Beware the Zealots

by Karen Michelle

  

Chapter 14: Ready for College

High School was over, and the summer had gone flying by. Mom and Dad told me that a new chapter of my life was about to open; a time when I'd be on my own, making my own decisions, and generally be responsible for my actions. We had talked about my options for college some time ago, whether to go to Junior College first and then transfer to a four year college away from home, or whether to just jump in with both feet and experience the whole four year deal. Dad had done the full four year deal, while mom had done the Junior college thing first. They both had good things to say about both ways of doing things, but I eventually decided that it was time for me to get out on my own. I had decided on a state university for my pre-med studies, and after that, I could make my decision about where to go for medical school. For my residency and real training, well that was way too far into the future to make a decision about right now.

The last month before it was time to go, mom and I and Carol had used the time to embark on a shopping frenzy. I never realized how useful that plastic credit card was, but mom put it to good use while we went on our shopping excursions. I thought I had seen her use it liberally when she had to buy all new things for me a few years back, but now she was buying me clothes, plus things like a TV, VCR, microwave, and other such things every college student needs to survive. Of course, I had gotten a job that summer to get some spending money, and so some of the things I was expected to buy myself.

"You need to start learning how much things really cost, so you can measure what you want to spend your money on against how much money you have. Sometimes, the decision is NOT to buy what you want, especially if things are tight" she would say.

Ok, I wasn't too thrilled about having to deny myself, but I guess that was just part of growing up. At least she wasn't making me buy everything for college. She told me that she and dad expected me to have my summer money for getting me through the school year, since I didn't have to worry about money to pay for college. Due to my grades and ACT score, the university was giving me a free ride. All I had to do was study and keep my grades up. Well, studying wasn't an issue for me. Given the career I had chosen, I knew I had to do well, regardless of the rules of the university. A person's life would be in my hands when they went under the knife if I successfully made it through the training to be a surgeon.

About a week before we had to leave for school, my room was looking like a storage facility. Boxes were piled everywhere, and very quickly now, all my possessions in the world were getting placed in them. A room which once was full of things was now becoming empty. It was sort of exciting and depressing all at the same time.. my room which had been my world was getting left behind, but I told myself I'd be getting into something new.

One night, while I was sitting on my bed, my mother and father came into my room to talk to me.

"Can we see you downstairs at the kitchen table, Jennifer?" they asked.

"Sure, what did I do?" I replied.

"Nothing," my dad said chuckling, "we just want to talk to you about life at college as a coed."

So we went downstairs and sat down at the kitchen table. Mom and Dad almost looked worried.

"So what's up?" I asked. "This sounds serious."

"Well," my dad started, "this is a big event young lady. I want to tell you that mom and I are very proud of you for the way you've done so well in high school. You've stayed true to your dream of helping people, with your job at the hospital, and all the courses you've taken. But now you're embarking on a new chapter of your life.. one where you are going to be on your own.. where you're going to have to make your own decisions."

"Yeah, I know. We've talked about that before" I answered. "You've already given me the talk about balancing my studies with my fun time, getting tough when the going gets tough, and all that sort of thing."

"Yes we have," said my dad, "and I'm glad you were listening. Being out in college is sort of like the real world, except you're still a student. But, you're considered an adult, and anything you financially commit to, you're responsible for paying back. So, it's a lot more responsibility than you've ever had in the past."

"Yeah, I know" I said again. "We've already had that conversation too. You told me that once I sign my name on a contract, I'm bound by the contract legally, paying back money, etc.."

"Then there's the subject of meeting people in college, and getting into professional organizations" mom said cutting in. "You never know when someone might be able to help you out or someone's knowledge might be able to come to your aid."

"Yeah, I know!" I said for the third time. "We've talked about ALL OF THIS before. I'm aware of all of that. So why are we here tonight?" I asked.

Mom and Dad looked at each other, as if to ask, "who wants to go first?". As in a textbook TV sitcom, they both turned back to me at the same time and said in unison.. "MEN".

"Oh, is that all?" I asked. "Geez, its not like I've never gone on a date before. I can handle things."

Dad gave mom a look as if to say, "Ok, my turn" and then he started talking.

"Honey, up until now, you've been in high school, and quite frankly, high school is nothing like college. In high school, most kids, being around the supervision of their parents and the faculty, know that what they do will be found out, and that's somewhat a deterrent from doing stupid things.. Sure there are wild parties, and kids go out and do things that their parents don't know about, but for most kids, they're kept in check. It's sort of like a small town where everybody knows what's going on. Although I know there are some things you've done that we haven't known about, you've pretty much kept your nose clean. You had to with the courses you were taking. But you've never been out on your own – not like when you're at college where the safety net is gone. You're away from us, and you are responsible for knowing what to do, and knowing when to say no. There's a big difference between the two environments."

Dad paused, thinking of how to phrase his next statements, then continued.

"Jennifer, I'm not so worried about you academically. I judge people by their past performance, and with your scholastic achievements, I don't think I have anything to worry about. You know how hard the subjects are that you've taken, so you know how hard they will be in college. The difference is that they'll be throwing the stuff at you at a faster pace, and you'll have to learn how to do things faster. No, the academic area I'm sure you'll be fine in. It's the men at college I'm worried about."

He paused.

"Honey, I don't know how you perceive yourself. Women seem to play down the attractiveness factor. It's like when a woman wears a low-cut outfit. You'll hear them say, "What's the big deal, its just clothes? Why are you getting so excited about it?" Maybe women really don't understand, but I don't think they're that dumb – even the blondes".

He paused at the end of that statement, and we all laughed. It helped to break the tension.

"The way a woman looks is DEFINITELY significant. Men do put a lot of importance on that, contrary to what's being said about liking a woman for who she is. A woman's looks is what attracts a man, and believe me, you are quite a beautiful young woman. You have a very attractive face, and a body to match, and men will be going after you. I'm not saying a man won't like you for who you are inside, but it's not the first thing they'll look at. The difference between here and college is that there is no restraint at college for the men. I can remember living in the dorms, and I remember guys talking about going out and "getting some".. if you understand my meaning. I also saw guys bringing girls up to their rooms at night, and I can tell you it wasn't to listen to CD's. They had one thing on their mind. The ugly girls, in a way, were lucky. They were pretty much spared from this. The mildly attractive, and definitely the very attractive girls, were always sought after. That's not to say that every guy was looking for "getting some", but there were enough guys in that mode that I'm sure made a girl be on her guard. Of course I can't speak to how girls react to that attitude, since I'm a male.".

"Gee dad," I said, "you make it sound like an orgy. You make all men sound like animals."

"I'm a guy," my dad said continuing, "and I have the hormones, and I know from personal experience how men get when their hormones work overtime. You never really got to experience that because we took care of your problem before that all started to surface, but if you had waited a few years before you transitioned and had your surgery, you'd know how "on edge" a guy gets when he gets horny. Some guys relieve themselves, but other guys have to have the real thing. And believe me, for those guys, they look for any opportunity. I'm not saying that every single guy is like that, and I personally wasn't one of those types, but I saw enough of them in college, and they're the type that if they get alone with a girl, they'll go as far as she'll let him go."

Dad fell silent after he said all this, and then looked at mom, giving her the go-ahead.

"Sweetheart," she started, "you need to listen to your father. He's right. You and I are from the same genetic mold, and in my day in college, I was considered very attractive. I went on a few dates where it was obvious what the intentions of the young man were, and they literally couldn't keep their hands off me. Luckily, I was never in a situation where I was in fear of being raped, but I did know one young woman in college who was in that situation. The guy was a control freak, and she was beautiful, and that simply led to a bad situation. The guy tried to rape her, and she had to fight her way out of it. That caused the university to hire more security, and that helped the problem. But, there's something to be learned from every situation, and that is, if it happened to her, it could happen to you. Especially since you've turned out to be such a stunningly beautiful young woman. If you eventually get married, and dad and I hope that happens for you, I'm sure your husband will feel lucky to have someone as intelligent as you, and he'll feel it an added bonus to be loved by a beautiful woman. And honey, you are beautiful. You'll be able to use that to your advantage when the right guy comes along. But we're not talking about you getting married right now, we're talking about you understanding your risk factors. Being as beautiful as you are, it's a plus, and it's something that you can use to your advantage. But, if the wrong guy comes along, he could get the wrong idea, and that might lead to physical harm. Understand, this sort of problem was around in my time, and men haven't changed in 20 years. They still are made with the same hormones, and that makes them do the same things. Those type of men are out there now too, just like your father said."

"Ok, I hear you, and I'll be careful" I said. "But it's not like I'm going to have sex with every guy I meet. Maybe if the right one.."

"Stop right there young lady" my mother said, cutting me off. "Let's get one thing straight. No daughter of mine is going to have sex before she is married, and that includes you, sweetheart. I had a conversation with your sister Carol when she started having her periods, but since that hasn't happened to you, well I guess I've slipped up. But even though you're a transsexual woman, and you won't be having periods, you're still my daughter, and all daughters need to hear this. First of all, there are a lot of diseases out there that go along with sexual activity, and let's not forget AIDS which is a deadly one. If for no other reason than avoiding these, you don't want to have sex until you're married. But more importantly, you don't want to do that because men want the woman they marry to be pure and untouched, so that means you have to say no when that situation presents itsself."

"You're telling me men want their wives to be virgins, yet dad is telling me men are going to try and "get some"? How can they expect their wives to be virgins if they're having sex with every woman that comes along?" I asked.

"Jennifer, we women have always had to be the one in charge in this department, and this is just something you're going to have to do as a female. It's just one of those things that women have to do, so accept it. But trust me, there are no if's, and's, or but's about it. Men may say they want to have sex before they get married, but when it comes time to walk down the aisle, they want their wives to be untouched. So don't get any ideas about having sex while you're at college. I can tell you from my own experience that when your father and I were married, he and I both were virgins, and we were both happy that when our wedding night came, we could enjoy each other with the knowledge that we had saved ourselves for each other, exclusively. And dear, men like to have their wives exclusively, just like women like to have their husbands. Trust me Jennifer, a man will feel lucky that you thought enough of him to save what means so much to him on his wedding night. He'll feel that you've saved it just for him, and he'll feel he's the luckiest man in the world. It's a decision you'll never regret."

"I couldn't agree more, Linda" my dad said, chiming in. "You want to save yourself for your husband, Jennifer. You'll be glad you did."

And so there it was. I wondered if they would have had this same conversation with me had I still been a boy. I guess it didn't matter, because I wasn't a boy anymore, and in thinking about their words, I realized they just cared about me and wanted me to have the best life possible. I decided that this was probably something else I needed to listen to them about.

"I do have one question, and it's not about sex" I said.

"What's that?" Dad replied.

"I always wondered what happened to Mrs. Adams? She was so against what I was doing for religious reasons, and then all of a sudden she just dropped off the face of the earth. What happened to her?"

"Well, Jennifer" Dad said, "I know some lawyers. I realized she was going to be a problem if we didn't do something to stop her interference, so I went to the lawyers and got court orders preventing her from coming around here, and getting involved in our lives. I can tell you after the school board meeting she came to with her coalition, that she tried to appeal the boards decision a couple of times that year, but my foresight prevented her from being a problem. The last that I heard was at the end of your freshman year. I heard she left town to go sell real estate somewhere else. That's a lucrative career so I'm sure she's doing ok. I also heard a rumor that her son, Charles, death was too much to handle and she went over the edge and had a mental breakdown and had to go somewhere and get professional help. The first part about her leaving town I know is true. I had hired a private investigator to keep tabs on her to make sure she didn't come around to bother us. The second part is purely hearsay, but I wouldn't wish any sort of mental problems on anybody, even her. I only wanted to make sure she stayed out of our life and that's all I was really looking for."

"Gee, I wish she hadn't been so close minded. I still think about poor Charles" I said. "It's hard to believe that's been three and a half years ago."

"It's difficult not to think about him from time to time" my dad said. It was a terrible tragedy, but we can't help what happened to him. You tried to help him, but… well you know what happened. It's something Mrs. Adams will have to live with."

*****

Finally the big day came. We had the car all packed and left for college. I got all my stuff unpacked into my own private room. Mom had thought it best that with my personal maintenance routine, having my own room and some privacy would be the best idea. That way, with some caution, nobody had to know my background. I could live "in stealth" like I had read about so many girls like me doing on the internet. With everything unloaded, mom, dad, and Carol gave me a hug, and then left. It was the second time that the three of them had wished me well and then watched me going off to my destiny. With them gone, I settled into my new life as a pre-med student.

 

Chapter 15: Release

The death of Charles had been too much for Mrs. Adams. The year after the school board meeting, Mrs. Adams had tried to make appeals, even go to the community, but Mr. Rogers foresight had blocked her efforts. Eventually, the stress, anxiety, and difficulty dealing with Charles' death became too much, and she was committed to a mental health facility for professional help. Some of the members of her coalition who recognized the behavior she was exhibiting saw that she needed help, and they called the state mental health agency. There, in the hospital, she had to "work through" her anger and depression, and that experience had taken a year of her life.

Today was a Monday, and two years after this all began at that school board meeting, she was being released.

As she sat there in the office of her therapist, she discussed her future plans. He was having one final meeting to ease his mind, and make sure his judgement about her was correct. Mary Adams knew the game. She had been "in the looney-bin" for a year, and wanted nothing more than to get out, so she answered his questions.

"So tell me Mary," he said leaning back in his plush chair, "how do you feel about your stay here with us?"

"Dr.," she replied, "I was out for vengeance, I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I needed to be more understanding of my son. If I had, if I had listened more, if I had been less rigid, we might have been able to work things out. I know that now, I just wish I had seen that then. I suppose.."

She paused for dramatic effect. Getting out was dependent on playing the game, saying the right things, and making it look real. She had thought about this moment for months, so now she had to deliver an Academy Award winning performance.

"I suppose something good comes from everything. Being more open-minded is what I need to be in the future. Things aren't as black and white, perhaps, as I thought before. When you take that attitude, you tend to drive people away, being so dogmatic about things I mean. And, getting angry doesn't help. People are entitled to their own opinions. Getting angry isn't going to change anybody's mind, or preaching at them. You just alienate them."

She paused yet again for dramatic effect.

"Oh Dr, I just wish I had seen all that a year ago. Things could be different. You helped me to see all that. How can I thank you?" she asked.

"Mary," the Dr. replied, "you seem to have learned some valuable lessons. It seems to me that you're ready to go out and have a better life as a result of your stay with us. Seeing results like this is what gives me pride in what we do here. I'm going to sign your release papers here, and I genuinely wish you the best. Any plans on what you want to do when you leave us?"

"Well," Mrs. Adams replied, "I've always loved real-estate. I think I'd like to get my license and maybe sell homes."

"That sounds wonderful. That is a good profession. As a matter of policy, we'll be checking up on you for the next year to see how you're adjusting. But if everything goes ok for that year, we'll be able to close the book on your case and you'll be free of us."

"Dr, although I really feel this has been a positive experience, I was planning on leaving town. I want to give myself time away from here to heal completely. I want to tell you that so you know I'm not "jumping ship" so to speak – you know – everything on the "up-and-up". I guess you'll need to contact the mental health professionals in the new area I'll be moving to, right?"

"You just tell us where you're going to move, supply an address, and we'll take care of the rest" the Dr. replied. "Anyway, I've signed your release papers. I want to wish you the best of luck."

"Thank you, Dr" Mary Adams replied. "I'll be getting in touch with you.

She got up and left the office. Finally, she was walking out of that horrible place, free to resume her life. What she didn't tell the doctor that day was that she'd never forget what and who put her in here. She also didn't tell her

doctor that she still held people responsible for the death of her son, Charles. She knew who they were, and one way or another, she'd put things right.

The Bible said, "Love thy enemies", but it also said, "An eye for an eye". She had always been taught two things about the Bible. First was "the law of first mention" which meant that whatever came first in the Bible set the precedent, and that everything else that came later didn't contradict it. Second, that in order to live by the Bible, you had to (or in her case you were allowed to) take all the counsel in all the books. The "Eye for an Eye" verse in the Old Testament definitely came before "Love thy enemies", plus it was in the Bible, so she was justified in what she needed to do in her own mind. That is how she as a Christian was taught to believe …"If it's in the Bible, then I believe it… if not, I don't."

It didn't matter to her that Christ had come to love people, even though she knew this. It didn't matter that Christ had even forgiven a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery, and had made her accusers stop their actions when he confronted them with their own sins. She didn't think of the point this made, that we shouldn't judge because we ourselves are imperfect.

It didn't even matter that God had made the way for eunuchs (castrated, imperfect physical men) to love Him. That point alone should have told her that God respects all people that love Him, regardless of their "gender". She didn't remember the story in Acts chapter 8 whereby God had sent one of his men to preach to the Eunuch and show him Jesus. As many bible teachers do, she could have read between the lines and seen that if God meant for only perfect people to have access to Him, he would have never sent the man to preach the message to a man who wasn't "completely a male anymore". She could have also red in the Old Testament in Isiah 56 (supporting the "first mention" rule) that Eunuchs that believe will not be cut off. Understanding these points alone could have shown her that God even loves transsexuals that love Him, possibly preventing all of this from happening.

However, people believe what they want to believe and what they are taught. All she could think about was that God would be faithful to uphold her. She had been faithful to Him, she had listened to her teachers and learned their points well, and she had been obedient to their teachings. How could they be wrong? After all, they were teaching from the Bible, the infallible book. She was certain He would justify her actions. All she had to do was figure out how to make it all happen.

The people in the mental health facility had tried to move her from her foundation in the Bible but her memory was too good and she had studied the Bible too many times to forget everything that she had been taught. The problem with her thinking that a casual observer could have pointed out was that you have to be careful about who does the teaching; what they include; and exclude. The references to the Eunuchs should have been enough to point the way, however the teachers opinions and omissions often shape what a person believes about a subject. Adolph Hitler, although an extreme example, was a master teacher, and we recognize from history the effect his teaching had on his disciples thinking.

Another thing her excellent memory let her remember was how to spell. She had always been an excellent speller. Revenge was one word she could spell with deadly accuracy. Somehow she'd find a way to take care of what needed to be done.

 

Chapter 16: Captain Blodgett

Captain M. Elizabeth Blodgett sat patiently on her seat as the current group of snipers practiced their skillful art on the 1000 yard Army shooting range. Being here at sniper school was difficult under good conditions, but today the commanding officer, Colonel Jeff Martin had thrown in an extra test… it was raining steadily, and they were outdoors. Captain Blodgett had been back in the military now for 3 years, after being out for almost 12 years, and even though she was 31 at the time of her return (an old timer to be sure), her prior record as a good marksman, and the need for such people in the military, plus that all-important "insider pull" from a friend in the military, had assured her re-entrance into the armed services. In all the years she had been out, while raising her family, she had never lost her love for the gun, or the military, a passion her father Ralph Blodgett had instilled in her many years ago as a youngster.

"So how come you came back to the Army at 31? Most people are wanting to get out, I think." her best friend Captain Sally Mesner asked as they talked casually, waiting their turn.

"It's pretty simple" Blodgett replied. "My mom and dad passed away, and then there was a tragedy in my family and I lost everyone and everybody that was close to me. I tried doing some things after that to put things back together, but after a few years, it was obvious I had nothing keeping me where I was. I always loved the gun and the Army, so after those couple of years, I thought the Army would be a good fit, and a good thing to do. And besides, I can get even with my ex for abandoning me when I was 16" she added with a wry smile.

She formed her hand in the shape of a gun extending her index finger and sticking her thumb in the air, pointing her index finger out in front of her, and softly said "POW".

"You were married at 16?" Mesner asked surprised.

"Well, actually 14. It's legal in my state. Kids do stupid things, and I did a real dumb thing. I got pregnant when I was 13. My mom and dad gave us a very religious upbringing and they tried to "quote the bible" to me about being a good girl, but I was a rebellious kid, so I went and did what I wanted to do. Started sleeping with this guy 2 years older than me, and one night things went a bit too far. Well, when sex is involved with a 13 year old girl and a 15 year old guy, they don't always use effective protection, and so, 9 months afterwards…"

"I see" said Mesner. "That's really tough, especially for someone 14 years old. You're definitely not prepared, and then your whole social life comes to a grinding halt."

"Yep, that's a fact for sure. My mom told me I had to do the right thing, and this guy married me. I even gave my baby his last name, which was a real mistake. We lived at his parents home, because his parents wanted to make sure he "did the right thing", and because they had money. It lasted two and a half years. I guess that was lucky for me because they were willing to pay for a housekeeper while we both stayed in high school. But, I guess he had had enough, or he was too immature, and finally one day I woke up in the bed by myself. He wrote me a note and said he couldn't take it any longer and was running off. His parents were wonderful, they tried to help me, but eventually I divorced him and moved home to my parents home with my baby."

"So how did you manage once you were back at home?" Sally inquired.

"Mom and Dad took care of me, and the bum's parents continued to send money. It certainly wasn't as easy as when I was living at their house, but somehow I made it through with my mom's help. When graduation came, I wasn't prepared to go out in the world as a single mom. The plan had always been to go to college, but my parents didn't have a lot of money, so I took advantage of the Army, and went in at age 18 for a 2 year hitch, and my parents watched my baby. It was the only way I could get money for college."

"You were gone from your kid for 2 years?" Sally asked. "That must have been difficult. I thought the Army discouraged single mom's going in who had kids. That would be very stressful. It would be hard to do your job."

"Yeah, it was, and normally they don't want to deal with a person in that situation. But mom and dad were good to him. I basically didn't tell the Army I had a child, and I went in under my maiden name, which is how the Army knows me to this day. When I went in, I had been with him for 4 years already. He knew me, so I made sure I had loved him lots and lots before I went in, and when I got out 2 years later, it wasn't quite so bad. And anyway, I got to go home on some of the weekends to see him, and they came and visited whenever they could. So he didn't forget me. My parents living close to the base helped too" Captain Blodgett said wistfully

"So you enlisted when you were 18?" asked Sally. "How did you get your Captains bars? I thought only people who went to Officers school got those."

"Well, I was good enough at shooting, thanks to my dad, and my dad had some influence, and because the Army was looking for select females to fill their quota, it just happened. Call it lucky."

"Yeah, its not always what you know, it's also who you know" replied Sally.

"So what happened to them all to throw you back in here?" she continued.

"My family was taken from me suddenly.." said Captain Blodgett, "Mom and Dad passed away, and my son….well, it wasn't pleasant. It happened when I was 28. Like I said, I tried to handle it by doing some things, but they just didn't work out. So, three years later, I decided to rejoin. Anyway, I'd rather not talk about the rest right now, if you don't mind" she said as tears started coming to her eyes.

"Sure, Liz, I'm sorry I brought it up. If you want to talk about it… well I'm here. Hey, I'm your best friend, right? You can talk to me about it whenever you want to, or not at all, ok?" replied Sally in a consoling manner.

"Thanks," said Blodgett, wiping the tears away. "I guess I'm still just a bit mad at the world for letting that all happen to me and putting me in this situation. It'll just take time. The one thing I knew when it all happened was that I needed to go do something. I needed to get my mind off of it all – you know – let the healing process start. I always loved guns and my dad. Coming into the Army reminds me of him. He was a Major in the Marines. In a way, I feel close to him when I'm here. That probably sounds crazy, doesn't it?"

"Hey, there are a lot crazier things out there, and I'm not here to judge. I've gotten to know you Liz, and I'm here to be your best friend. And best friends respect their friends and give them the time they need to heal, and they don't pry. So you do whatever you need to cope. I'll always stand beside you no matter what."

"Thanks, Sally." Said Elizabeth Blodgett. "Hey, we're up" she said as she heard the sergeant announce that the next group of shooters were to come to the line.

"I'll shoot first, and you man the spotting scope, then I'll return the favor when it's your turn" said Blodgett.

"Sounds good" replied Sally. "Show 'em what you got".

Elizabeth Blodgett took her position at the 5.56 mm gun. It was a beautiful piece of engineering. Simple, but deadly in the right hands. Blodgett had been so impressed with the weapon over the last 3 years that she had saved her money and had bought her own weapon. It hadn't taken her long to get back up to speed, and shortly after re-entering the Army, she was an ace sniper. Colonel Martin had been so impressed, that when she asked to purchase her own weapon, he didn't give it a second thought. Lots of people had their own weapons, so he approved the request, knowing that with her skill and tenacity, she'd be doing a lot of practicing on her own time, something that would just make her better if the need ever arose.

"Commence firing on the line" she heard the sergeant in charge of the firing range bark out.

"Ok, watch this" said Blodgett to Mesner.

And with that, she zeroed in on the target that was 1000 yards away and slowly squeezed off 6 rounds. Mesner looked through the spotting scope, a device that could see 3000 yards away, and noticed 6 small bullet holes in the target. The target consisted of 10 concentric circles numbered 1 through 10, a 10 being the best score possible (the bullseye). Blodgett had put 3 in the 1 circle, and 3 in the 4 circle.

"That's precision shooting, if I do say so myself" said Blodgett.

"What is it with this 1-4 business anyway" replied Sally. "Every time we shoot, you always do that. First you put a bullet in the 1 circle, and then you put one in the 4. And this time you did three of them. You know the CO always gets on your ass when you do this. Why don't you just shoot all 10's and be done with it?"

Sure enough, the small phone beside her began to ring. It was Colonel Martin.

"Captain Blodgett, is there a problem? You're doing this 14 business again. I hate to harp, but show me you can shoot better than that or else I'm going to have to pull you from the team. I can only judge you by what you shoot, not what I know you're capable of."

"Yes, sir," she replied obediently, and hung up the field phone.

"Yeah, I knew he'd get on my case, but he needs to get a sense of humor. This is my little trademark. Ok, so be that way! He wants to see some shooting, I'll show him some." She replied.

And with that, she loaded her mammoth gun with another 10 rounds of 5.56 mm ammunition, and proceeded to shoot all 10 rounds. Everyone on the firing line knew what the phone ringing was all about. She had been reprimanded, and now she had to prove herself. Since all ears had heard the phone, everyone was behind her on the spotting scopes to see how she'd redeem herself.

It didn't take long for the results to be determined. A cheer went up from the other shooters.

"That's a kill if I ever saw one" said a major checking out 10 aces straight through the bullseye.

"There ain't nobody that could withstand that sort of shooting precision" said another observer.

After bathing in the vote of confidence from the others in her team, Elizabeth Blodgett proceeded to reload the weapon with another 10 rounds and got ready for the second phase of her shooting practice.

"All setup for 1500 yards Sally?" asked Blodgett.

"I'm ready if you are" replied her friend.

On thousand yards was a long way to shoot, and it was all the Army required to make the sniper squad, but Blodgett was one of those determined individuals. Once she made up her mind to do something, she did it all the way, unless an obstacle stood in her way that was outside of her influence and there was absolutely no way to accomplish her goal. She had practiced 1500 yards on her own. The Army didn't object to people putting in extra time, and those that could shoot at this distance were sure things.

Blodgett took a deep breath, and then squeezed the trigger. Her brain almost went into a blur as she started exhaling and shooting the gun. It was almost a thing of going into "auto-pilot mode". You took aim, and you were in control of the shooting situation, but the good snipers somehow became one with the gun, doing their craft almost instinctively. It was something that couldn't be taught as her father, and later her commanding officer, had told her.

Sally Mesner peered into the scope, and finally let out a shriek. There was also applause from behind her. The people who had watched her fire the 10 aces at 1000 yards knew her reputation well, and they knew every time she came up to the firing line, it was a thing of beauty to watch.

"My God" said Sally, "that's beautiful shooting. Nine 10's and one 9. You got him dead on girl."

"Thanks," said Blodgett. "But how about watching the "God" thing."

"Geez, Liz," asked Sally. "That's the one thing I can't figure out. A simple expression like that and you get all bent out of shape. You'd think you're some religious bible thumper or something."

"I just have a healthy respect for the good Lord. After I got pregnant and screwed up, I knew if I had listened to Him more, that wouldn't have happened. I made a promise to Him that I'd never forget Him, no matter what, and I'd make sure I upheld his teachings and commandments no matter what personal sacrifice that brought, unless of course I'm serving in the military, and then they're the one calling the shots. We need to depend on Him more. The whole world ought to do that. It would be a better place. If that were the case, we might not need to be here."

"Yeah, ok" said Sally. "Well, to each his or her own I suppose."

And with that, Captain Blodgett got up from her post and switched places with Sally Mesner and spotted for her friend. Sally was an expert at 1000 yards, but not quite as good as Blodgett at 1500 yards. She hadn't spent as much practice time on the firing range, and that was apparent to Elizabeth Blodgett, although she didn't say anything to hurt her friend. If she met the Army's requirement, that was good enough for her. Time on task was something that was a personal decision. The 1000 yards was what the Army required, so Sally didn't have any problem maintaining her job. It's just that if any special missions came up, Blodgett would be the one considered over her. After the practice was over, Colonel Martin came over to Captain Blodgett and congratulated her.

"That's beautiful shooting Liz" he said with a fond look in his eye. "You really know this craft well".

"Thank you, sir. My dad taught me well. He taught me, once you decide to do something, you always go for the kill. And that's what I'm aiming for.. to go for the kill."

As she said this, a gleam of fire went through her eyes. You could tell there was a driving force behind that statement which was pushing her to excel.

"With that sort of shooting, I feel sorry for the bastard you put your sights on" replied Martin.

And with that, the shooting practice was over for that day. Elizabeth Blodgett packed up her gun and she and Sally went out that night for some much needed R&R. As they went off together, Mesner asked Blodgett a question.

"Say, you never told me what the first letter in your name, M., stood for, Liz" she asked.

"No, I didn't, did I" was the answer.

Mesner could tell she should drop it, and nothing more was said about it.

*****

The end of Captain Blodgett's third year was almost up, when suddenly the country was thrust into a war in the Middle East. Tensions had never ceased over there, despite efforts to maintain peaceful relations. The extremist Muslim groups were always claiming the US was the "evil Satan". This latest conflict started out when the oil cartel, under pressure from these extremist groups, had cut off the oil supply, claiming they wanted more money for their product. Negotiations had gone on for about 6 months, when terrorists bombed 3 hotels over there, killing over 500 Americans, and then taking the survivors, some 350 Americans, hostage. Negotiations then switched to trying to free the hostages, but after 6 months, the American ambassador to the Middle East was killed by a terrorist bullet. It was at that time the military entered the conflict. Analysts recognized that this was a unique situation, because all terrorist factions were all fighting together, something that hadn't previously happened. It was also evident that this had been a well thought out effort, since the hostages had gone into hiding along with the terrorist leadership. US forces had been deployed after the ambassador was killed, but they were being tied up fighting the terrorists. It was obvious it was going to take some time before intelligence found out where the leadership and the hostages were hiding. About a year after the military became involved, Colonel Martin came to Blodgett one day.

"Elizabeth" Colonel Martin said one day, "we need good shooters like you. I know your time is almost up, but I need you in the conflict, so I'm strongly asking you to delay your exit from the Army. The military has already been involved for a year, and this has turned into a guerrilla war. I have it from the people at the top that they were hoping not to be over there this long, but these bastards have really come together. I can't know how much longer we're going to be there, but the word has come down that we may be in need of people with your skills if this continues. Intelligence hasn't been able to find out anything yet. Since hostages are involved, we can't just use our smart bombs and stealth weapons like we've done in previous conflicts. American lives are at stake here. Once we locate the leadership, we may need to make surgical strikes on key targets. I'm going to need as many good shooters as I can get my hands on if that time comes. Can I count on you for another 4 years? We need you."

"Well Colonel, I always knew that was the risk of coming in the Army" she replied. "I suppose that's the price for being the best."

"While the Army doesn't let me directly order you into front line battle because of your sex, I'm appealing to your loyalty and duty, and I'm "asking" that you serve your country and do your duty. You wouldn't be doing front line battle anyway. I'd like to detach you to the CIA. You'll know some of the people there, and they'll appreciate your talents. Liz, you're one hell of a shooter, in my top 2%. We don't know where the terrorist leadership and hostages are yet, but when we find out, I may need to call on you to perform precision shooting at key targets and help our country come through all of this. I'm not saying that we'll absolutely use your talents, but I want to have resources in place if that becomes a necessity. I'm pretty sure since we've been over there this long, that the people at the top will want to use you if it means ending the conflict, and it might come to that."

"I understand, sir" she said with no reservations. She was a "right-hand man" type. If they needed her, she would be loyal to the end. She was like an elephant in that respect. She never forgot her loyalties.

She also never forgot her vendettas, and what put her here.

"This will simply delay my plans on the outside, but I'm sure things will be waiting for me when I get out. Most things don't change very much, so I'm sure I'll be able to do those things I was planning to do when I got out. I do have one question, sir."

"What's that?" Martin asked.

"Can I have Captain Mesner go with me? She's an ace at 1000 yards, and I know if the going gets tough, she'll hang in there with me" answered Blodgett.

"Two women… hmmm.. well you won't directly be on the front line of battle. Yeah, I guess that can be arranged. I'll do the necessary paperwork."

As they spoke, neither one of them realized the conflict would go on for 2 years before Blodgett's services would be put into action.

 

Chapter 17: Caution is the operative word

The first year in college had been a quiet experience. Mom and dad had told me to get out and meet people, but I had pretty much stayed to myself and studied hard. That had paid off, and I had received a 4.0 for the first year. However, in retrospect, I think I studied too much. Guys had been all over me asking me out, just like mom and dad said they would be. However, being an impressionable college coed, I kept thinking about what my dad had said about being careful, and also about being the best. That had resulted in me turning down a lot of offers for dates. After the first year, I had time to reflect on my behavior, and realized I wasn't just a machine, and I needed to have a life. I decided I would try to be careful about keeping my studies where they needed to be, but this next year, I was going to have a social life and really enjoy college. Dad had told me many times that college was the best experience he had ever been through, and quite frankly, I wanted to experience that too.

It was a week into the fall semester of my sophomore year, and I had left my door open while reclining in my sofa. Having a private room afforded some luxuries that the average college student didn't have, namely more room to put your stuff. The TV was going as I watched the 6:00 news on a Tuesday night while sipping a diet Coke.

"Potato growers in Idaho are optimistic that a deal can be worked out to help them get the price they need. And now let's move into international news with Carolyn Rogers" the newscaster said finishing up his domestic piece.

"Thanks Jeff," Carolyn Rogers said, starting her section. "Continuing on into international news" she said as she flashed her beautiful white smile, "the war in the Middle East is a year old today and continues to rage. What started as a disagreement over purchase of oil, has continued now for over a year. Since the death of the ambassador and the entrance of US forces in the conflict, the death toll of US forces in the Middle East is now at 31, with 2 Marine Captains being the latest casualties. To attempt to gain international support, the President and Vice President left today on Air Force One for New York to meet with the United Nations to attempt to work out an agreement. President Demerest had this to say:"

The TV broadcast cut away from the pretty brunette and went to a clip of the President.

"We're going to the UN to try to speak reason to the members of the council. This has been a well thought out conflict, and fighting has been brutal. It's obvious that US involvement isn't enough and we need international support to resolve this if we're going to remove the terrorists that claim power and free the hostages. I hope we can accomplish our goal of getting the UN to assist."

"You tell them sis" I said, looking proudly at my sister on the newscast. "You always were a ham. Now you get to be paid for it."

As I spoke those words, I heard a knock at my door.

"Hi" a redhead said, popping her head through the door. "I'm just walking around trying to meet everyone on the floor. I heard you're a pre-med student like me, so I wanted to come in and say hello. I'm Alice Carter" she said, extending her hand.

"Hi," I said getting up. "I'm Jennifer Rogers. Yeah, I was just watching my big sister on TV. She's made it big as a newscaster."

"That's cool. Say, you have a nice room here. I wish I had a room to myself. So what branch of medicine are you studying?" she asked.

"Probably gynecology and urology" I responded. "How about you?" I returned.

"Heart medicine, I hope" Alice replied, "well, that is if I can get through these first four years of pre-med. But, hey, I came over to see if you'd like to go out. Some of the other girls are getting rady to go have a good time. I thought maybe I could come meet you and talk you into coming with us. Nobody really knows you yet."

I stood there thinking about my social life and my schoolwork. Dad had always told me balance was important. The work would always be there. If you had things under control and could spare the time, a little fun was ok.

"Yeah, I need to get out more. What did you have in mind?" I asked.

"There's a local bar and grille we were going to walk to, have a pizza or something, and check out the guys. Sound fun?"

"Yeah, it does. I think I have my homework under control, and we won't have any tests for a couple of weeks, so I think I can spare the time. Besides, I need to get out of this stuffy old place and get some decent food," I said, making a face.

"Yeah, you could die from the stuff they serve here" said Alice. "How does an hour sound?" she asked.

"I think I can throw something on" I replied. "Tell them I'm in."

"Great. See you in an hour." She replied and bounced out of the room.

Getting out of the dorm was the best thing I could have done that night. Alice and I clicked immediately. She told me how her uncle had died from a heart attack and that made her want to go into medicine and be a heart surgeon. I wasn't as forthright with giving out information, but I did tell her that I wanted to help people. Also sitting at our table was Colleen and Kelly Forester a pair of twins. We all had a good time that night, and the guys weren't too bad either. As we sat there eating, I couldn't help but notice one of the guys was really staring at me.

"Hey, Jennifer," said Alice, "that guy is really checking you out. Hey, look, he's coming over here."

As she spoke, a tall, 6 foot god came walking over. He was around 225 pounds and you could see the muscles under his shirt. He also had a pretty good sized hard-on. As I stared at his crotch for a few seconds, I reflected on how I was put together now.

"Better him than me. I like the way things are now" I said silently to myself.

"Hi, I'm Carl Perkins" he said looking directly at me and scanning over my body.

By this time I was used to the fact that guys found me very attractive. Mom had told me "get used to guys looking you over, it just comes with being a girl".

Carl had a pool cue in his hands and had been shooting a game of 8-ball with his buddies. It was obvious he had a lot of confidence, because he didn't hesitate to ask me to get up and dance with him.

"Go on Jennifer" Alice said, shoving me out of the booth we were sitting at.

As we walked to the area of the bar where the other people were dancing, Carl put down the pool cue and started shaking his body. I had gone to some dances in high school so this experience wasn't totally foreign to me. I began to move my body. Carl wasn't shy, and he began to put his hands on my waist, and slowly moved them to my hips, which had been nicely rounded by the estrogens I had taken over the last 5 or 6 years. When the dance ended, he took my hand and asked me if I'd like to shoot some pool with him. I didn't see any harm in it, so I said that would be fine.

"Hey," he said. "I have a friend over there. Do you think one of your girlfriends would like to shoot a game also? We could play doubles."

"I guess so" I said in response. "Why doesn't your friend go ask?"

"Well, he's sort of shy. Why don't I go get him, and we'll ask one of your friends.".

With that, he motioned to his buddy standing at the pool table where the two of them had been shooting, and the three of us went back over to the booth we were sitting at.

"This is my friend Alice," I said, introducing her to Carl's friend.

"Hi, Alice" said Carl's friend shyly. "I'm Mike Jones. Would you like to shoot a game of pool with us?"

It was obvious he was nervous. As he stood there, I thought about the social position being an attractive female put me in. It was so relaxing, because I had all the options. I could go after a guy if I chose to, and if I didn't want to, my looks were such that other guys would come after me. I had thought about that a few times when Carolyn, my sister, had gone out on dates. It was one of the things that had made me jealous of her. Now I didn't have to be jealous at all.

Alice acknowledged the invitation, and the two of us went with the two guys and started playing the game. Mom had told me that guys like to feel that they're the ones in charge, so I didn't try too hard to make the shots. Carl was the type who wanted to get real close to a girl, and every so often, he'd "help" me make the shot. I noticed he brushed against my breasts a couple of times too.

It was getting late, and after the game was over, Carl asked me if Alice and I would like to leave with them. Alice and Mike hadn't hit it off at all, and I could tell from Alice's reactions that she really didn't want to go with him.

"He's ok," she said, "but there just isn't any chemistry there. But your guy is cute. Why don't you go with him?".

This was a situation I had never been in before. To Alice, I was just another girlfriend, one that had probably been alone with guys before on dates in high school. And why should she suspect anything differently. I was beautiful as my mother had pointed out, and it just fell to reason that I would have had a hundred dates already behind me. We had been drinking a bit at the bar and grille (its funny how a good looking girl looks older – they didn't even ask for my ID) and my thinking was a bit blurred, so I thought "what the heck - this might be a good chance to get some dating experience", so I told Alice I'd see her later.

The night was crisp as we walked out of the bar and grille. He was a student as well, and so we headed back in the direction of the college campus. It was obvious he was somewhat aggressive, because he didn't waste any time holding my hand. His hand was a bit rough, and it was strong. It was obvious physical work was no stranger to him.

About halfway back to the dorms, we found a bench, and he asked me if I'd like to sit down and talk. That seemed harmless enough, so I agreed. We talked about home, and school, and all the while, he was running his hands up and down the sides of my body. He stopped at my waist and hips more than once. I could tell he was taking in the shape of my body. As we talked, he also began to touch the outline of my breasts. I politely removed his hands and kept talking.

It's funny what goes through your mind when a situation comes on you unexpectedly. I suppose I should have been watching the signals, and maybe if I had been a genetic girl with more dates, I could have read him better. But I wasn't, and I didn't. All of a sudden, he grabbed me and started kissing me, and started trying to unbutton my shirt and kiss my chest. While I'm sure this is a pleasurable experience when both parties are consenting, it took me totally by surprise.

"Stop!" I yelled, trying to pull away from him.

As I said this, thoughts of what my dad had told me that night at the kitchen table came flooding back into my mind. "I'm a guy, and I know how guys can get." Now I was seeing first hand exactly how some horny guy could get.

Carl was definitely horny, and the strength in his body wasn't going to be dislodged easily. I tried dislodging him again, but his strong arms wouldn't budge. By this time, he had my shirt unbuttoned halfway down and was trying to kiss my breasts which were neatly tucked into my bra.

I don't know why my dad had told me this, but he said if I ever got in a compromising situation that I didn't feel I could get out of easily, there was one place on a guy that a girl could go for and get the guys attention. I had managed to get one arm free, and I gave Carl a very firm, deliberate, tap in his crotch. As I did that, I felt him jump, and he looked up at me, stopping what he was trying to do.

"Hey, what the hell is that for?" he shouted.

"I told you to stop! I don't want you to do that, and if you don't stop, I'll do that again. Get it!?" I said giving him a glaring look.

"OK, OK.. gee, I just wanted to get to know you and have a good time" he said moving to the edge of the stone bench.

"Yeah, well that's some way to get to know a girl. I may be attractive, but I'm no sex slave. I have feelings too, you know."

He sat there with his head down for a minute, then he looked up.

"Ok, well gee, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me."

I thought back to what my dad had told me again at the kitchen table that night, and I knew exactly what had come over him. Hormones. And, I knew at that point how I wanted to have sex.. on my own terms.

"Look," I said, "let's just go back to the dorms. We'll part friends, and forget it happened, ok?"

"Yeah, ok" he said dejectedly.

I buttoned up my shirt, and then we got up from the bench and started walking back to the dorm. I could tell from his body English and expression that he knew he had blown it with a very attractive young woman, and knew he probably wouldn't be getting a date with me any time soon.

And he was absolutely right about that one.

As we got back to the dorm, we parted company and I went up to my floor and directly into my room, avoiding contact with anybody. It was only 10:30, and Alice and the twins weren't back yet. The emotional experience I had just been through was starting to get to me, and I started to shake and cry. I knew I needed some moral support, and I locked my door and picked up the telephone and called home. Dad had made the rule when I was still at home that no phone calls should be made after 9:30 unless it was an emergency. I thought this qualified and dialed our home number.

"Hello?" said my father on the other end of the line.

"Hi daddy" I said trying to fight back the tears.

"What's wrong, Jennifer?" I heard him say over the phone.

"Can you put mom on the phone too? I need to talk to both of you."

"Sure" I heard him say, telling my mom to get on the extension. "What's wrong, Jen?"

And so I began to relate the experience to them, telling how Carl had tried to take advantage of me and take off my shirt without my permission. I told my dad how my thoughts had gone back to what he had told me.

"Mom, dad, it was horrible. I don't ever want to go out with another guy if they're just going to treat me like that. I may be pretty, even beautiful like you said, Mom, but I don't want to ever date them again if they're just going to treat me like some slave".

I heard mom tell dad to let her handle this one, and then she started talking.

"Honey, its ok. Nothing really SERIOUS happened. I understand how you feel, but you need to know every guy isn't like that. We girls have all dated bums like Carl, and when they pull that crap, we just want to crawl under a rock. But from what you said, it's not your fault, so don't feel like you did anything. You just learned a valuable lesson, and that is you need to be careful about who you go out with. And you've gotten to see how guys can get, just like your father said. My advice is that you take it easy on the social scene for awhile. Let yourself recover, and then make sure you go double-dating. That way, in a group, that's less likely to happen."

I considered her advice, and it sounded like good advice. I was glad to have Mom as a resource. Even though Dad could be sympathetic, I knew only Mom could understand things from my perspective.

"Don't worry, honey" she said. "You'll find someone who cares about you in addition to being attracted to you. But I wouldn't be worried at all right now about settling down. You have plenty of time, and you need to focus on your schoolwork. You're attractive, and you won't have any problem getting a date in the future. Why don't you just enjoy being a girl and have fun. You'll get over this, and eventually you'll be back in the pink."

As we hung up the phone, the thought crossed my mind that if I hadn't transitioned and gone through with everything I had done, none of this would have ever happened. And then I thought, if I were a guy, I might have been like Carl, and that thought made me make a face. No, even with this happening, seeing how some guys treat girls like a sex object, I was STILL glad I was a girl. I sat there trying to experience my body as a female, and every fiber of my body told me what I had done was the right thing. I was GLAD I was a girl and if I had it to do all over again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. This was who I was. I just needed to move beyond this experience.

*****

Almost the entire school year had passed since the incident with Carl Perkins. In that time, Alice and I had become inseperable. She, I, and the Forester twins had become friends, and we went many places together, although Alice was my best friend at college, with the twins a close second.

We've all heard the expression "the best lessons learned are those learned the hard way". The end of the school year was coming to a close, and it was at that time I was about to have the unfortunate privelige of having such an education.

By now, some five years after my surgery, the need to dilate and perform my personal hygiene had diminished to about 3 times a week. I was glad of that, because it was boring, and took extra time. Since I was an early riser usually, I tried to perform my ritual around 5:00 am, when everyone was sleeping. It's amazing how with a little planning, you can do things and nobody is the wiser, but two weeks before the spring semester was over, my world came crashing down. I hadn't been sleeping well, and on a day when I needed to do my maintenance, I overslept until about 6:30. This wasn't the first time this had happened, and I thought I had that situation thought out. Alice and I usually went to breakfast together around this time, but if I ever woke up late and had to do my maintenance, I just skipped the meal. Alice usually came by and knocked on my door, and if I was in this mode, I just tried to sound tired, and told her to go on without me, and that I'd meet her after breakfast.

It goes without saying that caution was my ally in this part of my life. I had to be careful, and that was the main reason why I had the room to myself, so that others didn't find out about what I needed to do. That morning, when I woke up, I had to really use the bathroom, and not giving it much thought, I got up and did what I had to do. When I was finished, I came back to MY room, and began to go through the boring routine. I was about three-fourths of the way through my ritual when I heard the customary knock at the door.

"Hey Jen, it's Alice. You ready yet?" she said from the other side of my door.

Most of the time, people are ok with protocol. In this case, waiting for the occupant to acknowledge the person wanting to come in and giving them the verbal ok. However, when it regards two friends, and the barriers have been dropped, sometimes those protocols are disregarded. Before I could say anything, I saw the doorknob starting to turn, and in horror, I noticed…. I HAD FORGOTTEN TO LOCK THE DOOR!!! Where my personal maintenance was concerned, I knew I had to be cautious. I had forgotten to exercise that caution, and now I was faced with a real problem.

Alice took about 4 steps into my room before she stopped cold in her tracks. I heard the door swing shut on its spring loaded hinges, and she let out a gasp. I could see the expression on her face. Her eyes were wide open and her mouth was open in shock with her hand partially covering it. I had my supplies out for easy reach, and she could see everything. I had my dilators in a solution to make sure they were sterile, and the bottle of Surgi-Lube was on the table for easy access. As she walked in, I quickly threw a towel over myself, but it wasn't enough to hide everything. Alice wasn't the stereo-typical blonde.. she was smart.. after all, she was in pre-med like me, so she realized that all the stuff I had out was not some kinky thing, it was planned and there for a purpose.

"What are you doing, Jen?" she asked, saying the first thing that popped into her head. "This isn't some kinky sex thing, is it?" came out of her mouth next.

"No, it can't be, you've got medical supplies here" she said answering herself.

I laid there on my bed, trying to scramble for an answer.

"Alice," I said, "don't leave. Let me explain."

"Oh my God," I heard her say. "Explain… explain all this…?"

She paused for a second.

"What is going on, Jen? I don't know if I want to know.".

She started to turn away. The trauma of the situation was obvious. She was having a difficult time assimilating it all.

"Alice, you're my best friend, give me 15 minutes to get ready and then come back and let me explain" I said, starting to cry.

"Ok" she said, as she left my room.

This was a situation I had hoped I could avoid, but do to my carelessness, I had to think quickly how I was going to try to repair the damage. Being almost done anyway, I quickly cleaned up and put my supplies away and threw something on. Those were the shortest 15 minutes I think I have ever seen, and soon, I heard a knock at my door again.

"Alice?" I asked.

"Yes" she replied.

"Come in" I answered.

It was a good thing that this happened on a Wednesday. My first class wasn't until 10 am, so I didn't have to worry about missing a class. Still, that was the least of my worries under the circumstances.

"Alice, sit down" I said to her.

"Jen," she said as she took the chair by my desk, "I almost didn't come back. What's going on with you?"

I took a deep breath. She was a medical student like me. We had taken some of the same classes, and she, like me, had been shown medical procedures. I thought about making something up, but then figured I better tell her the truth. With my medical background, I knew I might be able to tell if someone was lying to me. I decided, since she had taken a lot of the same classes, that she might be able to do the same. Plus, she was my best friend. Telling her the truth was probably the best course of action.

"Alice, you're my best friend," I said looking her straight in the eyes, "so I think I owe it to you to tell you the whole truth. Maybe I should have done this from when we first became friends, but in a minute, you'll understand why I didn't. I have a medical problem, a very personal medical problem, and its not something I want to share with everyone. In fact, it's something that people don't really need to know. So, what I'm about to tell you is something we need to keep between just us two. OK?"

"OK" she answered.

"Alice, I'd like to start out by asking you a question. Do you remember that introductory course on medical psychology we took together in the fall semester? The one that touched on corrective surgery? And do you remember the case studies that showed that the patient who had a physical disfigurement often had a negative mental image of themselves? And do you remember how after corrective surgery was administered, not only was their disfigurement gone, but their mental self image improved dramatically and they were able to move on with their lives and be happy with themselves?"

"Yes," Alice responded.

"What was the lesson we learned from that section of the course?" I asked.

"That's easy" Alice answered. "That if we are going to be members of the medical community, we need to learn to look beyond the problem, and look at the needs of the person, and realize that problems are not only physical, but also mental, and that corrective surgery, properly administered to good candidates not only changes the patients body, but it also has an effect on their mind and life for the better".

"I see you really DID earn that A. I guess all blondes AREN'T dumb after all!!" I said with a giggle, and touched her on the arm.

She laughed. I was trying to put her at ease and diffuse the situation.

"Alice, I want you to hold on to that thought, of looking beyond the problem, and looking at the person. I want you to think about how the problem can be mental as well as physical , and how corrective action can help the person in both areas, OK?" I said, reinforcing what she had just told me.

"OK" Alice replied.

"Alice, I want to tell you, from first-hand, personal experience, that I know what that class was trying to teach is absolutely, 100%, correct. Without any reservations, I know from my own personal experience that its true, because I was one of those people. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"You had corrective surgery for a problem?" she asked. "For what? You sure don't look like you needed it. You're very pretty. Why would you need corrective surgery?"

"I'll answer that question in a second. But first let me ask another question. Do you think most men and women give a second thought to the fact that they're men or women?" I asked.

"You mean, do they have a problem with what they are?" she returned.

"Yes" I said.

"No, I wouldn't think so. Gee, its not something I've really thought about. I mean, I'm just a girl."

"But you have heard about people that aren't happy with who they are, I mean not happy as a man or a woman, haven't you?" I said, leading the conversation.

"Well… yeah, I've heard of those kind of people" she said.

"Do you know what the problem is in those situations? Try to think about it in terms of what we learned in that class; about mental self image." I said, trying to prime the pump.

She paused, thinking, trying to connect the dots.

"Well, if they're not happy with who they are, you must be saying that the mental image of the person isn't in agreement with the body?" she said after thinking for a minute.

"Yes, keep going" I answered.

"And, since we're talking about corrective surgery, you must be saying that when the mental image doesn't agree….".

At that moment, her eyes got big, and she let out a gasp, sitting up erect in the chair. The light bulb was coming on.

"You know from personal experience…?" she asked, looking at me.

"Yes" I said.

"You had corrective surgery" she asked.

"Yes" I said.

"Oh my God!" she said getting up and starting to walk around the room.. "you're not really a girl, are you!?"

There Alice was, walking around the room with her hands on her face pacing back and forth.

"Alice," I said, "sit down, let's talk about this."

"What's there to talk about?" she exclaimed. "You're not really a girl."

"Please, Alice," I said gently, "calm down and sit down. Let me talk to you."

With that plea, Alice took her seat.

"Alice, I haven't told anybody here, because I was afraid of getting the same reaction from others that you're exhibiting. But you're not just anybody, Alice, you're a medical student like me, and…" I said trailing off.

"And," I said resuming, "you're my best, my VERY BEST friend. So please, try to hear me out before you make any judgements. And try to think about what the professor said in that class as I tell you my story. Try to be objective and look beyond the problem."

And so I began to tell Alice about my life as a young boy. I told her that from a young age, I just never felt right as a boy. I didn't know why I had felt that way, but I simply didn't feel right. I told her how I was jealous of females, and how I wanted to be the female.

"Alice, what it means is that the mental self-image I had of myself was totally disconnected from what I was. I went to see a doctor who told me this is nothing new. It's a known, treatable, condition. It's just that our society doesn't look favorably on the solution. They can't be objective about it and see that it's just a treatment for a known problem. Alice, you're a medical student. We had that class for a reason. The medical profession obviously wants us to be able to look beyond the problem, and look at what can help the individual lead a meaningful life. Alice, I'm asking you as a medical student first, and my best friend second, can you do that?"

It was lucky that Alice was in fact a medical student, and a woman. She wanted to be a doctor more than anything else in the world. We had had some late night conversations about that, and I knew that appealing to her desires as a doctor would make her look at things objectively. Plus, from my investigations on the Internet, women were supposed to be more open to this than men. As it turned out, that was correct as I was about to find out.

"Wow, Jen," she said. "This is really a big shock. You say this is a known, medical, condition."

"I can show you the research on the Internet, if you like" I replied.

"And what you're telling me is that you had a sex change operation, isn't it?"

"Yes, Alice. And now, well, I'm medically, and legally, a female. My body is finally in agreement with my mental image. Some doctors, I've heard, have tried to convince the person that their mental image is wrong, but trying to change that, or suppress it, simply doesn't work. It didn't work in my case, and if you read cases on the Internet, you'll see it doesn't work in other cases. The answer is hormones and corrective surgery to put the mind and body into agreement, but only after a doctor properly diagnoses the problem. I went to see a doctor once I told my parents what the problem was, and I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria syndrome. From there, the doctor treated me so that my mental self image and my body could come into agreement. Part of the diagnosis is to determine whether the candidate is mentally the other sex – in my case female. Without meeting that requirement, the doctor really shouldn't proceed with corrective action. In my case, however, that's exactly where I was mentally. The doctor recognized that, and well, here I am. Have you ever known me, in the short time we've been friends, to be anything but a female?"

"No" Alice replied.

"That's because even before I got the treatment, I was who I am now."

"Wow, that must have been horrible for you. I can't imagine how that must feel. You must have been miserable" she said as she grasped my hands in sympathy.

"It was. There wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't miserable. But the doctors found the problem and treated me, just the same as if I had had any other medical condition. Now things are right."

Alice and I decided to skip classes that day. We knew we'd pay for that decision, but I thought it was important to ease Alice into the knowledge I had just imparted to her. Alice agreed that I was right in keeping this from others, and she said appealing to her objective and medical side had helped her to cope with what I had told her. One thing I noticed after telling her this was that our friendship was cemented even tighter. Alice agreed that she would never tell anybody about this, or discuss it with anybody, unless I gave her the ok to do so.

"Well, Jen," commented Alice that night as we sipped a Coke at the student union, "one thing you don't have to deal with as a transsexual woman are these annoying periods".

"Alice, if I could have a wish granted, it would be that I could. That's one thing I really think I'm missing out on."

*****

Two weeks later, after finals, the semester was over. When we had taken our last test, our parents both came to the university and everyone got to meet each other.

"Alice seems to be a very nice girl" my mom said as we were going home.

"Mom, nobody could ever have a best friend better than her" I said.

That summer, I kept in touch with Alice over the Internet. Instant Messenger is a wonderful thing, especially when you have a best friend like Alice. During the end of May, I asked my mom and dad if Alice could come spend a week with us. Mom always encouraged me to make friends, and since I never stopped talking about her, she said it would be ok. So, Alice came for a week at the end of June and we had a blast. During her stay, I introduced her to my best friends from high school, Kathy and Rhonda. It took a few days for the three of them to click, but eventually, they all saw that each was just a fun loving girl, and the rest took care of itself. When the week came to an end, I told my parents we were having such a good time that we wished things didn't have to come to an end. Mom and Dad decided to call Alice's parents, and another week was arranged.

At the end of the second week, we were ready to part company. Alice and I had related what had happened at the end of the school year, and we all agreed that getting an apartment off campus might be a good idea to avoid any further problems. So, we called the university and asked them for a copy of the local paper, which they mailed to us. Knowing the campus, I knew where I'd want to stay, and so in late July, we arranged to meet Alice and her parents at the university where we scoped out an apartment that we would share for the rest of our stay at college.

 

Chapter 18: Taking chances

Mom and Dad had always told me that time begins to go faster as you get older. I was 20 now, and a junior in college. I could see the wisdom in their statement, because the summer had come to a screeching halt after flying by. Where had it gone? Yet, there were good memories of Alice and I, shopping trips to the local mall, silly pictures. It was so nice having a friend like Alice who knew everything about me, and id didn't matter.

Now, however, summer was over, and I was back in school. The one thing that was nice was having an apartment with Alice. That was certainly a new experience, and I was beginning to see the wisdom in the words my parents had told me about managing my money. Nobody was telling me how to do things; I had to keep money set back for groceries, rent. In short, I was entering a new phase of my life which was a good thing.

I was also glad I had started dating and becoming more socially active over the last year. Although I had had the experience with Carl Perkins, I had gained more confidence dealing with people. It was obvious that if people didn't know about my past, they took me as the person I presented myself as… well… and that was just a girl. And that's exactly how I wanted it, because that's who I was.

It's funny how things come upon you when you least expect them to occur. The fall semester was about a quarter gone, and one Friday night Alice told me she was going to a party, and asked me if I wanted to come along. It was a no-brainer. I had the weekend ahead of me to do whatever I needed to do, and the week had been particularly trying, so I knew some R&R would be a good therapy for the problems. I told her yes, and we set out for the party at a nearby house just off campus.

Alice and I normally hung out together at parties, but that night, I met a guy who was truly spectacular. He didn't take long to notice me either, and came over and introduced himself. His name was Anthony Roberts. He called himself Tony for short. It's funny how you can tell when a guy is feeding you a line, and how you can tell when a comment is genuine. Tony told me that I caught his eye immediately when I walked in the room and he wanted to come over and introduce himself. I told him thank you and we started talking. Normally at a party I attended with Alice, we stayed together. But tonight, I was just struck with Tony. He told me I was beautiful. Tony struck me as the same, except I suppose handsome is the word you use with men.

Alice didn't do too badly either. She found her own guy too, Alan Smith. As the night drew on, Alice and I were both surprised when the clock struck 12. We told both our guys that we had to go, and they both asked for our phone numbers. Since our apartment was not too far, both of the guys conspired against us and asked if they could walk us home. We had had a good time with them, so we thought it was ok. Tony held my hand the whole 20 minute walk home. I liked how he didn't waste any time doing that, and he had seemed to be a gentleman. He seemed genuinely interested in finding out about the person, a big change from Mr. Octopus (i.e. Carl Perkins).

When we got to the apartment, Tony said "Jennifer, you seem like a smart girl, and that's something I like. I'd like to call you and see you again, if that's ok with you."

Everything had gone well, so I told him ok. He kissed me, then told me he'd be calling, and then walked down the steps that led to the street. Alice and her guy Alan were still talking (and doing some kissing) so I went inside and left them alone. Alice came in about 15 minutes later.

Alice and I stayed up until about 3AM talking about our two guys. Sometimes things just go right for you and tonight had been our night. We weren't sure how things were going to go, but we both wanted to find out.

During that school year, I found out exactly what Tony was all about. We liked the same food, we liked the same music, we went out to movies, and did a lot, some during the week, but mostly on the weekend. Being a medical student I had to spend time studying, but I never totally shut Tony off. That also made me think about what my Dad had said about balance. I had to study, but I looked forward to going out with Tony. Alice said I was in love with him, because often I talked about him eagerly when a date night came up. Eventually, it got to where Tony would come over and we'd just study together. Sometimes our study sessions degraded to makeout sessions, but Tony was studying to be an engineer, so most of the time, if we weren't studying, we were quizzing each other for our tests. Alice said I was lucky, because not only did Tony support me in my academics (and seemed genuinely interested in what I was doing), but also came from a well-off family. Tony didn't flaunt it, but he was generous too. On more than a few occasions, he took me and Alice out on the town. Alice said I really struck it rich, finding a guy that was cute, had money, seemed to like me for who I was, and had brains.

Time flies when you're having fun, and the year for Alice and I went flying by. I had a lot of fun with Tony, and it was obvious that things were going well. Alice said that Tony had real potential and that this next year I could see if this was going to go anywhere serious.

I'm not sure where my junior year went, but it was over almost before it began. Summer vacation came and went also. Like most college students, I got a job to help pay for some of the college expenses. I also found time to rekindle my old friendships with my girlfriends from High School. Kathy and Rhonda weren't too computer savvy, but they had written me a few times over the past year (a lost art to be sure, with all the computer technology we have). Alice, Tony, and I, on the other hand all had computers, so even though I wasn't with them, we had the Internet and regularly chatted. I think my parents were starting to get the idea that Tony and I were more than just casual friends, because Mom made more than one comment about how much time I was spending on the Internet in my free time chatting with Tony. Being a daughter who was very close to my mother, I told her not to worry, and I also told her that things might be taking off with Tony eventually. Mom reminded me that I was a medical student, and that if I were wise, I'd finish medical school first, and that Tony just had to understand that finishing what you started comes first, and then the pleasures of marriage can come later. I reminded my mother that after what I had been through when I was younger, and the incident with Charles, I realized that people needed help, and I was going to finish my education and not to worry.

The summer eventually came to a close, and once again, I found myself back in school, now my senior year. I was lucky, because the college I had been attending not only taught pre-med, but it also had its own well respected medical school. I had tremendously enjoyed the last three years at the university, so I was glad when I knew I wouldn't have to be leaving. Still, I had this last year of my pre-med studies to finish, but by this time, I had been in college for three years, had done very well, and realized that I wasn't going to wash out and would finish the course. Likely, with some luck, I would also finish medical school.

Alice and I still had our apartment together and we picked up where we left off. Tony and Alan started coming by again. One night, about two-thirds of the way through the first semester, I got the biggest surprise of my life. Tony and Alice had both been acting weird for about a week, and they wouldn't tell me what was going on. Tony would talk to Alice on the phone, and then after their short conversation, she'd hand the phone to me. I couldn't figure out what they were talking about and they wouldn't give me any clues. Tony told me he had really been stressed out and wanted to go out to a nice restaurant this Friday, and he wanted me to dress up a bit so he could really enjoy me. Alice was showing her weirdness (if that's really a word) because the night of my date, she was helping me get ready. What was the big deal? It was just a date.

Eventually Tony got to our apartment, but tonight, he didn't walk over like he usually did. Instead, he pulled up in a very expensive limo that he had rented for the night. Alice just laughed. Something was going on.

"Jennifer," Tony said looking me over, "you look gorgeous tonight. That dress looks beautiful on you."

Being a college student, jeans and a top were the normal attire, but tonight, Tony had made it known we were going to a nice place. Mom had told me I needed to have a couple of nice dresses just for such an occasion, and she was right. The dress I was wearing wasn't too low-cut, but it was enough to show off my assets, and I could tell Tony was looking at my chest, and then looking back up at me. He was relishing the package, and as he did, I thought to myself that I was glad I had gotten to go through the treatment I had gone through, so that I had the assets to show off.

"How long have we been going out?" Tony asked me.

"Oh, fourteen months I think" was my reply.

"Have you enjoyed yourself with me, kitten?" he asked. Kitten had become his little endearment.

"You know I have. We enjoy a lot of the same things, music, books, doing things… yes I've enjoyed being with you a lot."

"And the money hasn't been bad either, has it?" he said, with a wry smile.

"Well, I think I could love you"… I stopped rather suddenly after I realized what I had said… "I think I could enjoy being with you even if you didn't have a lot of money" I said trying to recover from that faux-paux..

As I sat there thinking about my words, I realized… I was in love with him. We liked doing the same things, and we had some of the same career goals. Mom and Dad had told me that common interests were what made a good marriage and compatible partners. It hadn't been difficult to fall in love with him, but it certainly wasn't in the plans, at least not at this time in my college career. Still, the possibility of being Tony's wife was something I would consider, given the way our relationship had gone over the past year.

"Well, Jennifer, sweetheart, I want you to know I've enjoyed every minute that I've been with you" he said continuing.

Sweetheart had not been a word he had used too much before, so when he used that term, I became acutely aware of the situation. A nice restaurant, getting all dressed up, Alice and him on the phone talking, the limo. These were all signs. I wanted to see where this was leading.

"When we first met, I was struck with your beauty and your smile, but it has gone a lot further than that. Jennifer, besides how beautiful you are, I like you for who you are inside. I admire your desire to help others, I admire how smart you are, I like all the things we do together, in short …. "… he said, pausing.

"Jennifer," he said taking my hand in his, "I love you. Do you love me?"

I closed my eyes and thought about what he had just said. There it was. A declaration of his love for me. I felt like a goddess. Tony had done all the textbook things… a nice restaurant, the limo, it was a textbook thing, and I could tell he meant every word he said.

After a few seconds, I opened my eyes and replied.

"Yes," I said slowly, looking at him directly in his eyes.. "I think I do love you".

"Jennifer," he said, "there are nights when we're not together, and I can't go to sleep because I'm thinking about you. I've realized something, sweetheart."

"You have? What's that?" I asked.

"Jennifer, I don't want to be without you ever. How would you like it if I was around for the next 50 or 60 years?"

I had wanted to see where this night was leading, and after he said that, I knew exactly where the conversation was going. Although we hadn't talked about marriage, the thought had crossed my mind, considering how much we had in common. It was just that we were both in school, and I knew we needed to get through all of that. Yet, I knew I was in love with him, and I wanted to hear those words that I thought he would be eventually asking me, so I continued.

"Well, Tony, I've thought about that, and I think that would be nice, especially with you."

When he realized I wasn't turning down his proposal, I could see him getting a bit red with excitement.

"Jennifer," he said, "you really think you could spend your life with me?"

"Yes" I said. "I love you".

"Then do me a favor sweetheart," he asked.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Close your eyes, and keep them closed. Don't open them" he said.

I did it.

"Jennifer" he said, "I love you with all my heart. Do you love me that much too?"

"Yes, I already told you I did" I said.

"Then do me the biggest favor you've ever done, and which you can only do for one man".

He stopped talking, and I felt something sliding up my ring finger.

"Jennifer, be my wife, be with me through all the good and the bad. Have my babies. Be with me through the years as we watch our children grow up. Will you marry me?"

And so there it was. The words that every girl wants to hear. My Tony had just asked me to marry him. I opened my eyes and looked at the diamond that sat on my left ring finger. It was huge, but it was so beautiful.

"Tony, its beautiful" I said as I held my hand out in the light watching the light dance off the 1/3 carat stone. "But how did you know my size? We never went looking at rings before".

"Remember that night you, me, and Alice went bowling?" he asked.

"Yes" I said.

"Remember how I took you to the pro shop and made you consider getting a custom bowling ball? Remember how the guy measured you for the ball? Remember how I insisted on measuring both hands since you are ambidexterous?" he asked.

"So that's why you were so insistent on me getting my fingers measured. That's pretty sneaky" I said, gently slapping his hand.

"Yep, I was planning tonight, and it had to be perfect. But, hey, you haven't answered my question. How about wearing that diamond for me forever?"

I sat there for a second, considering the question he had asked me, and three small words kept echoing in the back of my mind… "have my babies".. First of all, I knew if we were going to go through with this, we'd really need to wait until after college, but more importantly, he had seen me as a fertile, genetic, female, one that he would enjoy making pregnant and having babies with. That was something that I wanted to do more than anything, but it was also something I knew was impossible. I thought to myself, "yes, I love you", and "yes, I'd like to marry you", but then I thought, "what about the kids?". That, plus my background, was something important that had to be put out in the open before any of this could move forward. After a few moments, I looked up at him and replied.

"I don't know if I can do that right now Toney. There's so much you don't know about me. Maybe we should wait." I started to take the ring off.

He put his hands on my hands before I could get it off.

"Jennifer, answer a question for me" he said, while preventing me from taking it off.

"Do you love me?" he asked again.

"Yes," I said, "but..".

"Don't say anything. If you don't love me, well then I could understand if you wanted to take it off. But then, we wouldn't have had as much fun as we have had, and I wouldn't be in love with you, would I, and we wouldn't be here tonight, would we? Keep wearing it, and just promise me you'll think about what a great couple we make. If it's school you're worried about, even your residency, I think I could wait until everything is over. I love you that much. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I want to make you mine tonight, so nobody else can even think about asking you to marry them."

After trying to protest a few times, I saw Tony wasn't going to take no for an answer. His decisiveness was something that had made me love him. It was also something that was making me keep the ring on, even though I was questioning whether I should do that. Eventually we left the restaurant and Tony took me back to my apartment. Since his apartment wasn't that far from ours, he let the limo go, and then walked me up to my door.

"Jennifer, sweetheart, just consider what I've asked you. I love you and I don't want to be without you forever" he said.

Then he took me in his arms and kissed me so deeply that I couldn't do anything but return his kiss. It send sparks through me, and as we stood there embracing, I felt his hand on my breast. It felt so good. I protested mildly, like a good girl is supposed to do. Tony responded by clasping my hand in his and lowering my arm to my side.

"Sweethart," he said, "if we get married, you can do this" he said, and promptly moved my hand to his penis. I could feel how hard he was through his pants. He took my hand and made it encircle the massive buldge, then moved my hand up and down on it slowly. I began to do it on my own and he went back to stroking my breast.

"Jennifer, only married people, or people that have committed themselves to each other get to do this. I want you to be that person, and I promise, nobody will ever do this but you" he said.

I was glad there were trees by the entrance to my apartment, and I was glad we were out of sight. That went on for about ten minutes, and then I stopped everything. My head was spinning. I hadn't expected all of this, and I had to have time to think. I thanked Tony for such a wonderful evening out, and then kissed him goodnight, and walked in the door of the apartment.

As I walked into the living room and flopped on the sofa, I saw Alice sitting there watching the television.

"Well, how was your evening?" she asked.

"I think you know" I replied. "You helped Tony set all this up, didn't you?" I said.

"Well, what are best friends for?" she asked, with a giggle, and then proceeded to turn the television off.

"Want to tell me about it?" she said, giving me her undivided attention.

"He asked me to marry him" I said. "Look what he gave me".

"Wow!" said Alice. "That's a big rock. He had to have spent a fortune on it. It's absolutely beautiful."

"I know, but.." I replied.

"But? What's there to say but about? Don't you love him?" she asked.

"Well, yes, I think I do love him. But he was talking about having children, he said "have my babies" during the conversation. Alice, you know I can't have kids, ever, even though I want to".

"Oh Jennifer, you're lucky, you don't have to put up with those annoying periods we girls have to go through every month. You're the lucky one."

"Alice, don't joke about that. I wish I could menstruate like the rest of you girls, and I wish that I could get pregnant. I'd give anything if I could have periods and be just like you, but I can't. So, please don't joke about this. Having children is important to Tony, and its important to me, even though I can't have them. This all happened suddenly, thanks to you partly…" I said shooting her a smile.

"There's always adopting" Alice returned. "If kids are all you're worried about, all you have to do is tell him you can't have them. He should understand if he loves you."

"I need to tell him more than that" I said. "I need to tell him that I wasn't always a girl."

"You haven't told him that yet?" she said, her eyes getting wider. "I guess by this time, with as serious as things were getting, I thought you would have told him that. When he told me what he wanted to do, I figured he knew everything."

"No," I replied. "He doesn't know that. It's something I haven't had a chance to tell him yet. I guess I wasn't expecting him to ask me to marry him this soon. If I had, I would have told him this before he asked me. This could change everything."

"Well, I guess you're right" Alice said. "If he's wanting to have children with you, you need to let him know the whole package deal. And if he loves you like he says he does, this shouldn't make any difference."

"I hope you're right Alice. But one thing I do know" I said looking her in the face.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Well, even though my sister is going to be my maid of honor, I want you to know that if I didn't have a sister, you'd take that place because you're my best friend. Alice, whenever I do get married, I want you to be number two in the party. Nothing less for you would be acceptable."

I went over to her and hugged her.

"I'd like that" she answered.

*****

"John," Mrs. Rogers said, "can you get the phone? It's ringing".

"Hello?" Mr. Rogers said in a half awake tone. It was 10:00 am on the following day, and Jennifer was on the other end of the line.

"Hi honey" Mr. Rogers said, recognizing his daughters voice on the other end of the phone.

"Hi Daddy" said Jennifer. "I need to talk to both you and mom. Can you both get on the phone? It's really important."

"Linda, here take the phone, I'll get on the extension. Jennifer says she has something important she needs to talk to us about."

And with that, Jennifer related the situation, about how Tony had asked her to marry him; how he wanted to have babies with her; and how she needed to tell him the whole story.

"Honey," Mrs. Rogers said, "if you haven't told him about yourself, you have to do that. Tony needs to be treated fairly, with no surprises. He needs to know the truth if he's going to commit to you. A marriage is based on two people not holding anything back from each other. If he really loves you, if he's really mature, this might be a shock, but he'll love you just the same. And if he's not mature, and he can't handle it, well then its better that you know where things stand."

"Yes, you're right, mother" Jennifer replied. Mother was a term Jennifer used when she needed to be close to her mom, and this was one of those times.

"I know I need to tell him, but I wanted to make sure I get both of your opinions before I did anything."

"Well, if you realize that, then you've got a good head on your shoulders," Mr. Rogers said. "Have you two discussed waiting? It's a lot easier to get married once you have your schooling behind you."

"Yes, Daddy, he said he'd wait for me, even allowing me to get my medical degree and go through my residency."

"I'm not sure waiting through the residency is absolutely necessary" replied Mr. Rogers. "Certainly waiting until you're out of medical school would be good, but when you do your residency, well that's a job. Married people can do ok at that point. But I agree with your mother. First things first. You need to tell him and be honest with him."

"I will" Jennifer said.

With that, they hung up. Jennifer had her marching orders. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was something that had to be done.

*****

"Tony, sweetheart, I need to tell you something about me" said Jennifer, as Tony sat down in his girlfriends apartment.

"Oh, what is it? Did you get busted for eating too many M&M's" asked Tony, chiding Jennifer about her love for chocolate.

"Tony, this is serious. I need to tell you about something that's been on my mind, something about me. If you're serious about us getting married, then I need to tell you."

"Geez, what is it? You're in some sort or trouble? We can work it out" he said.

"No, I'm not in trouble, Tony. It's.." Jennifer started to say.

"Well, then, you're flunking a class and you'll have to stay in school longer? Hey, I've flagged a class or two, and…" he said, with Jennifer cutting him off.

"Tony, its nothing like that. I'm doing fine in all my classes. This is serious! I need to talk to you, if we're going to get married. Can I say what I want to say?"

He sat there and thought for a minute.

"Hmm… you're not in trouble, and you're not flunking a class… you're not pregnant are you?" he asked.

"Tony!!" I said in a frustrated tone, "no I'm not pregnant! It was hard enough to get up the courage to tell you this, but I know I have to do it. Will you let me finish? If you'd be quiet, I'll tell you and you can find out!!"

"Ok, Ok" Tony answered, sitting back in his chair.

"Tony, sweetheart, the first thing I want to tell you is that I love you, and above all things, I want to be honest with you. If people that are going to get married have to do anything, they need to be honest with each other. Nothing hidden going into the marriage. Both people should be honest about who they are, so there are no misunderstandings and no surprises when they get married. Would you agree with that?" I asked.

"Well, yeah, certainly I'd agree with that" Tony answered.

"Because if someone was lied to and then got married, they could be very angry, and the possibility of divorce could be really high. Would you agree with that?" I asked.

"Well, yeah, if it was something serious enough" Tony responded.

"Tony, honey, I have something in my past that is that serious. It's something that needs to be understood by whoever I'm going to marry. I wouldn't ordinarily tell just anyone about this, but we have a special relationship, after all, you asked me to marry you. Wouldn't you say that makes us a special thing?"

"Yes, I'd say that" Tony answered. "But what are you trying to tell me?"

"Tony, have you ever heard of people that have physical disfigurments, and they are unhappy with themselves, and they have corrective surgery to fix the problem?" I asked.

"You mean like they have a big nose, or an ugly face, and they have plastic surgery to fix it?" Tony replied. "Sure I've heard of that."

"Do you know why they have to have surgery?" I asked.

"Because they're not happy with themselves I guess" Tony answered.

"Right. The mental image of themselves is not what they feel it should be, and it drives them crazy that they don't look the way they feel they should be. Some people even commit suicide over it. For some conditions and some people, having surgery is the only way they feel they can correct the problem and live a normal life." I said.

"Say, Jennifer," Tony answered. "If you're telling me you've had a nose job, or some work on your face, its ok. You look beautiful.".

"Tony, there are different types of physical, mental, and genetic problems, and different types of treatments, surgical or otherwise, for these problems. But in all cases, the main problem why a person isn't happy with himself is that his mental image, doesn't match the physical body, and sometimes it doesn't even match the genetic makeup of the person."

I paused, having laid the groundwork, then proceeded.

"Can you see that when this happens, there's an internal conflict within the person that drives them crazy?" I asked.

"I guess so, but what does that have to do with you?" Tony asked.

"I'll get to that in a second, but let me ask something else. I'm a medical student, and we're being trained that no matter what the problem, we have to look beyond what the problem is, and look at the person. We have to find out what the solution for that person is, and then prescribe treatment that will correct the problem in the way it needs to be corrected, even if people in the general community might raise eyebrows about the solution. See, we're treating the person according to what they need, according to what is right for them, despite what others might say or think" I said. "Do you think you can think that way? If we're going to be married, you'll need to do that because that's the way, as a doctor, I'll be thinking. Looking at the person, treating the problem, and not making judgements."

"Ok," Tony said. "I think I'm pretty open minded. I think if a person needs to be treated, I could accept it."

"Good. Then listen to me." I said, pausing for a moment.

"Tony, in my case, I was one of those people whose mental self image was in conflict with both my physical body, and my genetic makeup. I wasn't happy with who I was, and I lived with a problem for the first 11 years of my life. Every day I was miserable because I wasn't the way I thought I should be, and I didn't know what I could do about the problem. Then, thanks to my parents, I was able to get help. I was diagnosed with a known medical condition, and luckily, I was able to have treatment and eventually corrective surgery to fix the problem."

"Mental AND genetic image didn't match your body? I don't quite understand. What are you saying?"

"Sweetheart, my problem was that my genetics and body didn't match who I felt like I was inside. Outside I was a boy… but inside… well inside I felt different. The doctors recognized the problem as a conflict, as gender dysphoria, and…"

"Outside you were a boy, but inside you felt different? What are you saying?!" Tony said, his eyes getting very focused. The light was starting to dawn.

"Tony, I had gender dysphoria. My gender, my physical sex, was in conflict with who I was inside. Have you ever heard of a transgendered person, or …. a transsexual?" I asked.

"A transsexual? …. Yeah, I've heard of them".

He was trying to piece it all together.

"You didn't feel comfortable as who you were…. as a boy… and you went to a doctor for help" … he said.

He got up and walked away a few steps and then turned and faced me.

"You haven't been a girl all your life, have you!?" he said, realizing what I was trying to tell him.

"No Tony, I haven't." I answered, "not physically anyway"

"You were born a boy, and … you…. " he said trailing off.

Then, putting it all together, he finished his question.

"You had a sex change!! Didn't you!!! You had a sex change and now you're…. you're a…. now you're masquerading as a girl!!?"

His face was getting red as he stood there realizing what he had just said.

"Tony, I'm not masquerading as anybody. What you see, who I am, is who I always was. It's just that who I was inside didn't match who I was outside, and in my case, that meant my physical sex. I wasn't happy as who I was. The doctors recognized that, and after exploring how I felt, they realized the only way for me to be happy was for me to live as my mothers daughter, as a female. And that's exactly what I am. Have you ever thought I was anything different than that?" I asked.

"Well, everyone thinks you're a girl, a beautiful girl, and so did I. I mean, I'm in love with you" ….. "well I thought I was in love with you. But… now I find out you're not really a girl?"

He paused, thinking.

"You've been lying to me all this time? You've been letting me believe you're a girl. Letting me fall in love with…. a…. what are you?"

He sat down in the chair in disbelief. I had to try to calm him.

"Tony, listen to me. This is no different than a nose job, its just that most people don't have this problem, and most people don't understand. And most people don't even TRY to understand the problem. I'm asking you to look past what others think, and look past your initial reaction. Try to see it from the doctors point of view. I had a basic mental / genetic conflict. It just happens that the treatment is something different than most people want to deal with. The doctor saw that I needed to live life as a female, and since then, I've been happy. Tony, this is who I am.".

Tony had said he would try to look past the problem, but it was obvious he was having difficulty doing it.

"So what did the doctor do? One day you're a boy, and the next day, chop-chop, and you're a girl?" he asked in a defensive tone.

"Tony," I said, pleading with him. "It wasn't like that at all. The doctor made me go through extensive psychological testing. I had to prove to her that I in fact had this condition. I had to demonstrate that I needed to be a girl. Only after years of therapy, and living in the role of a girl and taking hormones to change my body, and proving myself, was I approved to make my change. The goal was to change my body so it matched what my mind said I was. And then, only after all that, did the doctor give the go-ahead to have surgery and make me completely a female. The only difference between me and a genetic girl is that I can't have children. Some genetic females can't do that either, so I see no difference between me and them."

It was at that point that I saw a side of Tony I hadn't seen before. Up until that moment, we hadn't discussed an area of our relationship, which was religion and God. It was at this moment I got to see that side of him, and it wasn't pretty.

"No difference!? No, there's a big difference" Tony said, now in a defensive, and almost angry tone. "Genetic girls were created females, by God, to be women and mothers. You weren't, and you can't be. No matter how good the doctors are, you'll always be… just a copy."

I had seen this line of argument before, and I knew where it could lead. I tried to cut him off and speak reason to him.

"No, I wasn't created a female, that's true. But there are such things as birth defects, where a body part malforms. Isn't it possible that something in the brain fails to form according to the body, and the brain says female while the body says male? There are genetic mis-communications during development. That's the reason for birth defects you know. Can you see that if that happened, there could be a problem such as I've described? A problem which requires treatment?"

It was obvious that Tony did see what I was saying, but it was obvious that he didn't want to accept it, as he indicated when he responded.

"I can't buy that" he said in a disconnected tone. "I believe God creates us male and female for a purpose, and I don't think he makes mistakes. I think He knows what He's doing and what He wants for our lives, and I don't think we can go against Him just because we have some weird idea that we want to be the other sex. If we do that, we're destroying what He created."

"Tony, didn't you hear what I told you? I was miserable with what He created. I couldn't live with it. It wasn't who I was. I HAD to do something about it. Now I'm happy. Now I'm who I should have been all along. Can't you see that? Can't you accept that? I love you. I want to be your wife. You said you wanted to be my husband. You even gave me this ring. Doesn't that mean anything?" I asked him.

He sat there for a second looking at the diamond that was on my finger.

"Maybe I made a mistake. This is just too much for me. I can accept a lot of things, but when you start going against God… well I just don't think I can deal with that. I wish I had known about this BEFORE I had given you that diamond. It would have changed everything."

"Tony, when you gave it to me, I was thinking about wearing it for the rest of my life. To love you and be your wife, and go through everything you went through. We can still do that. I'm asking you to try to be understanding, to try to see it from my point of view. Can't you do that?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. What you're asking me to understand just goes against everything I've been taught" he said. "You were a boy, and then you had it cut off, and now you expect me to believe you're a girl? I just can't imagine that, and I can't believe it either."

It was obvious that we should have talked about religion and God a long time ago. If he really felt that strongly about God, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache before getting to this place in our relationship.

"Well, then if you can't, then maybe I shouldn't be wearing this at all."

And with that, in tears, I took the ring off my finger and put it in his hand.

I knew from the painful experience with Charles' mother that people had to make up their own minds. If Tony really felt this strongly about his religion, about his faith, and against what I had done, it was better if I stopped things now. I couldn't change Tonys' mind any more than I could change Charles' mothers mind. Tony had to decide if he loved me; if he could live with what I had in my past. When I put the ring in his hand, I was hoping he would tell me he loved me and insist that I put it back on, but that's not the way things went.

"I'm sorry I feel this way, but this is just too much for me. I need to go. I need to think. Goodbye Jennifer."

And with that, he got up and walked out the door. I didn't get a hug, I didn't get anything, except hearing the door shut and footsteps as he walked up the stairs to get to the door that led to the outside. As I heard the outside door shut, I was crushed. I had loved, was in love with, a man who I thought could have the capacity to love me, and who I wanted to spend forever with. Now I had nothing. I went into my bedroom and flung myself on the bed and had a terrible cry.

Somehow I managed to bury myself in my work, and I fell back on Alice for moral support. I talked to my Mom and Dad, and they said if Tony couldn't understand, I was better off without him. It was a difficult year, but somehow we go on.

  

  

  

*********************************************
© 2003 by Karen Michelle. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, and compilation design) may be printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without the express written consent of StorySite and the copyright holder.