My Mom, My Best Friend                      by: Karen Michelle

 

Chapter 1 – My Son has a secret

My name is Nina Jolly, and I never thought I’d be writing this, but I suppose stranger things have happened to parents. I’m sure I’m not the first mother to experience something unexpected when it comes to her children. This story is about my son, Michael, and how he changed my life and perspective on things.

I’m a single mom; my husband and I divorced when Michael was very young. It’s difficult being a mom and a dad. You try to play both roles, but its hard. I’ve always tried to give my son all that I could.. take him to things… do things with him. I could tell he was very close to me. I’ve always tried to let him be as normal as he could be. I even thought it might be good to get a male influence in his life. I tried Big Brothers, but that didn’t seem to work out. People told me as he was growing up that he seemed somewhat effeminate… hanging too close to me… almost like a daughter would. I can’t say I totally rejected their counsel, but I wanted to believe I had a normal son… and I wanted to believe I was doing everything in my power to raise my son correctly. I suppose what I’m trying to say at the outset is that I tried to help my son be a normal boy as much as I possibly could. Of course, being a woman myself, its difficult to know exactly what a young boy goes through. Still, I tried my best. Sometimes, I wonder if things just aren’t in the genes to begin with.

As Michael was growing up, there were the situations where he’d play with girls. Young boys do, that is before they figure out that girls after a certain age don’t want to play with boys anymore. Then they start playing with boys more. I noticed that Michael continued to want to play with girls, and he really didn’t want to play boys sports, or wasn’t really interested in boys activities that much. He wanted to stay around me and learn to cook . I even got some comments from the girls parents. One time, one of the parents told me that she had to have her daughter wear pants around my son... because it seemed that Michael looked for opportunities to see her daughters panties.

I also began to worry about Michael, when on occasion, I would notice my underwear was out of order. This would generally happen when I had to leave, and let Michael stay at home. I’m a single mom as I mentioned earlier, and sometimes, it just can’t be helped. I once caught him dressed in my clothes. I questioned him about it; I even asked if he liked being a boy; but it got me nowhere. I wasn’t completely satisfied with the response, but what are you going to do when you don’t get a lot of signals, and your inquiries are rebuffed? Still, I felt he was hiding something.

I bought a computer for Michael when he was about 13. We always had a computer of one sort or another; I just thought it was important to keep up with technology. Michael learned at an early age how to work with the computer as many children do, and was thrilled when we got the Internet connection. He spent a lot of time on the computer, even late night nights. I didn’t really think a lot about it; kids do that these days. I always heard about the porn sites, and other alternative lifestyle sites, but I never really gave them a second thought. Why should I? Every thing seemed normal. Little did I realize what was going on.

Every so often I would think things were a bit funny, especially when I’d walk in on Michael while he was on the computer, and he’d quickly shut things down. I could tell he was flushed when this happened, and asked him what was going on, but he said nothing…. I wondered if there was anything I could do… I mean to look on the computer to try to track down what, if anything, Michael was looking at that might be inappropriate for a boy of 15.

It was because of the computer, and the other signs I mentioned, that I suspected something was going on. I knew I had to do something. I suspected that Michael might be going somewhere on the Internet that wasn’t appropriate, and so I decided to take a class at the Junior College on computers and the Internet. I had to start somewhere… this was as good a place as any to begin. If I couldn’t find out directly by asking, maybe I could find out something by learning how to get around on the computer. If his past behavior was related to his Internet activity, maybe I could find something out about my sons activity.

 

My son wanted to know why I was going out taking classes. I told him it was just some personal interest classes. I wanted to keep my options open. I didn’t tell my son what I was taking. I didn’t want to raise my sons suspicions, or to tip my hand to my son. One thing I DID notice was that when it was time for me to leave for class, my son seemed rather eager. I wondered if he was trying to "get rid of me" for awhile… one less distraction.

I went to the Junior College and took a basic Internet. I expressly told the instructor that I wanted to monitor what my child was doing on the computer. The professor understood and told me one course would be sufficient, and he could provide some tools that I could use to see where my son was going, and what he was doing. He also told me he knew how a savvy child could hide things on the computer, and these tools would allow me to get around any barriers my son might try to use to keep a knowledgeable person from investigating his activities.

Once the courses were over, I thanked the professor, and left the college campus knowing I was prepared to find something out. What it was, I wasn’t sure. Was my son gay? Was he into some satanist group? I didn’t know, but if there were things to find out, I was prepared to do so.

 

Chapter 2 – Sherlock Holmes at work

Life went back to normal after the classes were over, and I was waiting for my opportunity. I knew if my son didn’t suspect anything, his activities would continue… and I was waiting for my chance to start my inquiries. Then one weekend the opportunity came.

My son was invited to a party… it was a overnight party at a friends house. It was unusual because he didn’t have that many male friends, but I wasn’t complaining. Michael played the guitar, and these kids were thinking of starting a band of sorts… well at least try. It was a music/practice party. I encouraged him to go. I spoke with the boys mother, and she told me they might even do this for two nights. I told her that would be fine…. thinking….. "more time for me to play detective". The evening came, and I fixed my son his favorite food, and wished him well. He said, "yeah mom, we decided to make it two nights". I told him to have a good time. In a few minutes the boys mother came and picked him up. I kissed him and off he went.

I went to the computer and turned it on. Those classes definitely helped. I wasn’t intimidated anymore. I tried logging onto my sons desktop at first, but he had a password. Luckily, I know my son pretty well, and I got lucky. I guessed what it was. He should have been more creative. The professor said that each Windows desktop had its own Explorer settings, and I needed to be there to be successful. Lucky for me, my son did not pick a complex password for security.

Once there, I looked at the Internet history…. nothing. The professor said that would be expected…. that a savvy youngster would clear history after each session…. if he were hiding things.

I then went to the list of sites he had been at… but it was empty. The list came down with nothing displayed. Once again…. this was expected.

I then went in search of temporary internet files… here it was a bit more interesting. I found a picture of a topless woman with substantial breasts. Ok, my son was into looking at girls. Not totally unusual. I had noticed that Michael liked looking at me… and although that might be a bit kinky… he is a pubescent boy, and there are such things as hormones. That might be normal.

I then started looking around on the hard drive. I hadn’t known how to do this before, but now, with my training, it was easy to find directories that were his, and recent ones too. In fact, most of the directories were his…. so it wasn’t hard to find what files were his. Also, the date and time signatures on the files told me what he had been recently been working with.

It wasn’t until I used the next trick the professor had given me that really allowed me to strike gold. He told me it was possible to hide files so that if you look on the disk, the uneducated wouldn’t see them. BUT, if a person knew what to do, they could see the files. I selected the necessary options, and all of a sudden, nine or ten files magically appeared.

Two such files were: KELLY1.JPG and KELLY1.TXT

Could they be related? I decided to start there.

I clicked on the JPG file (a picture file) and after a minute, a picture of an girl appeared. She must have been 24 or 25. She was attractive, pretty, and I could see where Michael would have enjoyed having her picture to look at. However, I struck gold when I clicked on the TXT file. Microsoft Word was started, and here was a lengthy document. I began to read.

The interesting thing about the document is that this Kelly and my son…. they must have been sending this file back and forth. There were entries by her, and entries by him, well I think by him. You see, the one set of entries was definitely from Kelly, the others were from a Karen. I began to read.

 

Karen: Kelly, you are so beautiful… its hard to imagine you didn’t always look like this.

Kelly : Karen, if you take the hormones I have for as long as I have, you’ll probably look better than me.

You’re only 15, and you’d be starting earlier than me.

I hear the younger you start, the better the results.

Karen: If I could only be a girl…. I know I’d be happy… I can’t tell you why. All I know is I look at other

girls, even my mom, and I’m jealous. I’m jealous of their bodies. I’m jealous of their lives. It

seems they have so much more fun than me. I wish I didn’t have the equipment I do have.

I don’t like boy stuff, and I really think I’d be happier as a girl., if that were possible.

Kelly : Are you sure you’re not just thrilled by dressing in girls clothes? That could be it too.

Karen: No, I think I really want to be a girl because I want my body to be female. Its like, if I were a girl,

I could just get dressed, and go out and be myself. I think I’d like the clothes, but after I got

dressed, the clothes would just be covering my body. I wouldn’t be getting excited about them.

It wouldn’t be my shirt that was exciting, but rather that I had breasts that allowed me to have a

bustline that would be thrilling. I’d physically be a girl, and I think that would allow me to just

get dressed and then go out and be myself. I think I’d forget about the clothes actually.

It would be my body that I’d be happy about. The clothes would just show what my body was.

Kelly : What if they could make you a girl… periods and all?

Karen : 100% Kelly…. that’s what I want. God I just can’t stop thinking about it sometimes. If that meant

periods and having a baby, I’d be TOTALLY a girl. That’s what I wish I had. I’d welcome it.

Kelly : Well, it certainly sounds like you are a true transsexual, most crossdressers only want to wear the

clothes for awhile, get their thrills, then go back to being guys..

Karen: I think that’s right. I…. oh-oh – my moms coming… gotta run – later.

As I sat there reading I realized it wasn’t that hard to find out what I wanted to know. Just a little information on what could be done on the computer. I hadn’t had to use any of the sophisticated tools the professor had shown me… and yet here was this file. If this were my son (and why not?) it pointed out some serious problems, some very deep-seated desires. It sounded like what he wanted more than anything was to be a girl. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t totally shocked about this concept. I have heard of this happening before, but this was my son. This was here in my backyard.

I did some more investigation that weekend, and was able to find some of the websites he had been looking at. They were all what was called "TG related"… transgendered. Mostly sites for boys that wanted to become girls, or had started the process, or had become girls completely. I also found sites that dealt with boys taking hormones to change their bodies, and some even had a diary of the changes that took place as they took the hormones. My son was actively seeking this out. This was no accident that he was at these sites. I decided to do some investigation on these subjects myself… and I decided to put NetNanny on the computer to track his Internet activity so if I had to confront him later… I’d have hard evidence.. Of course, I wasn’t going to tell him. Rather, I was going to let him tell me with the computer what he was doing. Then I’d have the information I needed to perhaps confront him. I was worried, but the first thing you have to do to solve a problem is to know what the problem is. It certainly looked like my son had a serious problem and I needed information. I was going to let him gather it for me.

After that weekend, I let nature take its course. I didn’t say anything, but I did notice that Michael’s activities continued to go on. I waited for my opportunity to check his usage… and at the same time did research on personal accounts of transsexuals. I never thought I’d know as much about M2F’s (as they are called – male to female transsexuals) as I did. I also went to some medical sites where they had frank discussions about hormones, and post operative pictures of men that had undergone sex change operations. It certainly was revealing. I didn’t realize the techniques were that good. It’s kind of funny. If Michael had been monitoring MY activity, he would have been in for a shock. I made sure I covered my trail quite completely.

 

Chapter 3 – Confrontation

After a month of gathering information, I waited for a Saturday night when we weren’t doing anything, and when Michael was taking a shower. He had just gotten out, and I asked him to come in my room. He came in as he often did, in just his underwear. That was what I wanted.

I decided I would question him about his happiness with being a boy. I knew that he might not want to reveal his heart to me…. what child would? I decided that if he was hesitant about telling me what I knew to be the truth… I would give him some shock treatment. If he wouldn’t tell me openly, I decided I would dress him in my clothes to see if that would help force the truth to the surface, and make him face me honestly. Cross dressing your son is not something to do on a whim, and it wasn’t some kinky thing I was doing either. I wanted to give him as much of a chance to tell me. I knew he might be resistant. I was hoping, if I had to do that, that it would be the catalyst that would help him tell me what I already knew… for his own good. It’s a terrible thing when you have to sneak around and do things.

I sat there for a minute looking at him, then I began.

"Michael" I said cautiously… "sit down on the bed. There’s something I need to talk to you about".

I looked at him as I said that and I saw a look of fear come across his face. Well, slight, but it was there none-the-less.

"What is it, mom?" he replied.

"Michael, I’ve been noticing some things about you over the years, and I’ve been concerned about you."

"What type of things?" he asked.

"Well, you’re 15, and I’ve just noticed that you don’t do things like other 15 year old boys. I’m concerned. Are you happy?"

"I don’t know if I understand the question" he said in an avoiding manner.

"Honey, my job as a parent is to understand you. It’s to know you, and to help you be happy. And quite frankly, I’m not sure you’re happy. I’ve noticed you don’t like to play with boys your own age that much, and I’ve noticed that you seem to prefer the company of girls, or my company."

"Well mom, we do a lot of things together".

"Yes we do, since you don’t have a father. But I’ve also noticed you looking at me, and at other girls. And since you don’t like to do things with other boys, I wonder if you’re ok."

"Mom, I’m not gay, if that’s what you’re asking"

"No, I’m not asking that. But I want to know… Is there a problem you’re having… something you’d like to tell me? Michael, I love you, and I always will love you… no matter what problem you might have."

Michael sat there for a long time…. then replied no.

"Ok.. if you won’t tell me, then let me ask this question. Being direct is the best approach, so that’s exactly what I’m going to be."

I could tell he was a bit on edge.

"Michael, I’ve noticed for some time that you liked girls more than boys, and I’ve even gotten comments from parents. I’ve also noticed you liked looking at me, and other girls. Well, I just wrote that off to being hormones and being a boy. I’ve also noticed you liked doing girl things more than boy things, like you wanted me to teach you how to sew, for example. And I’ve even noticed that on some occasions, my clothes were disturbed when I came back. And then, there were the couple of times I even caught you wearing my clothes. Are you sure you don’t want to tell me something?".

He said nothing, but I could tell I was making him nervous.

"No…." he replied.

"Very well" I continued. "I’ve also noticed that since we got the computer and the Internet, that you’ve been spending a lot of late nights on the computer. And also, anytime I come in on you suddenly, you shut everything down immediately. I can tell its something you don’t want me to see. I was wondering what you were doing on the computer… I’ve heard about the porn sites… and I wanted to know. I was worried if what you were looking at was appropriate for a child your age. So, I took a class at the community college on the Internet to be able to find out what you were looking at….."

"You did what?!!" he exclaimed in a horrified manner.

"I found out some methods to monitor your activities, because I love you, and I was concerned…. Michael I wanted to know what was going on in your world."

"You were spying on me?!" he yelled defensively.

"I was trying to understand what you were doing."

There was silence for a few minutes.

"Michael, what I found surprised me. From what other parents had told me, and from the signs you gave me, you know dressing in my clothes, I knew something was up. I HAD to find out what the situation was."

"What did you find?" he asked.

"This, for starters", I replied. I then handed him the printout of the conversation he had had with Kelly.

"Would you like to comment on it?"

He sat there and looked at it. It was obvious he felt cornered. It was written all over his face. He said nothing. There was only silence.

"Michael, or Karen, if that’s your name here, do you care to explain this?"

Still nothing.

"Michael, that’s the first piece of information I have that puts everything together. It might explain why you don’t hang around with boys any more than you do. It could explain why you like doing things with me."

Still no reply.

"Michael, that letter speaks volumes. Are you happy as a boy? Is the problem that you are unhappy, and what you really want is to be a girl?"

He said nothing, but it was obvious the effect this conversation was having on him.

"Michael, if you won’t comment about that, how about these websites you have been looking at? They are all about transsexuals… specifically m2f’s".

He shot a glance at me… like I had invaded his world by saying a secret word.

"Yes, I know about them… male to female transsexuals…. men that become women. I’m not totally naive you know. Michael, you’ve been spending a lot of time looking at these sites. In fact, that’s about all you’ve been looking at. It would seem that you are consumed by them. And the sites you’ve looked at have all been about their transformation on hormones, and looking at their pictures. And with this conversation file with Kelly, it would seem that that’s what you want too."

Michael just sat there saying nothing. I didn’t let up.

"Michael, look at me! I’m asking you… is there anything to this? Are you happy as a boy? Do you want to be a girl? It says here in your chat file with Kelley, that if you could, you’d take being a girl, including having a monthly period. Michael, that is serious, and I want to know the answer to the question".

"Mom…. I….." was all he could say.

I could see I was making headway. I decided now was the time to take further action. I went to my chest of drawers and took out one of my bras and went to him. He was only in his shorts as I had hoped.

"Michael, give me your arms."

"What….?" he protested.

"Michael…. I love you…. give me your arms."

He did as I asked.

I gently put the bra on him and went around to his back and hooked him up. I could tell he was trembling. I could tell he was looking at the bra now upon him. I went to him and told him to get up and come to the mirror.

"Michael, in your letter to Kelly you said you wanted to be a girl. If you really want to be a girl, you’d want to have breasts. And, as a girl, you’d need to wear a bra every day. Look at yourself. Is this what you want?"

I turned to him and looked at his eyes. They were welling up with tears. I could tell I was at the door of truth. I then went to my dresser and got out a pair of panties.

"Michael take your shorts off".

"What?" he said. Another mild protest.

"Darling, I love you…. you heard me. Take them off"

He was obedient and took off his shorts.

"Here sweetheart, put these panties on".

"But mother…those are…." he said in a weak voice.

"Darling, I know what they are….do as I say" and I held the panties for him to step into. "If you want to be a girl, if you TRULY want to be a girl, you KNOW you want to wear them."

I didn’t get an argument from him. He pulled up the panties and then I had him look in the mirror. He didn’t have a womanly shape at all. I stood there looking in the mirror with him.

"Michael, is this what you want? Michael, would you like to wear these clothes every day? For the rest of your life? I mean would you, if your body was such that you NEEDED to wear them, would you like to have breasts? Would you like to have a vagina? Would you like to menstruate like other girls? Michael, I love you… tell me!"

I turned him towards me and looked at him squarely in the face. Gently I repeated my request.

I could tell he was on the verge of replying, and I KNEW I had the truth. I went to the bathroom and got out a Maxi Pad.

"Come here Michael".

This time I didn’t get any refusal.

"Here, let’s put this in your panties."

He just kept looking down as I placed the pad to his panties; then I told him to pull them up. I had heard about boys "tucking" to conceal their penis between their legs, and I suggested it.

"Michael, tuck yourself".

"What mom?" … another faint rebuttal.

"Michael, I know you know what I’m talking about. Come on dear…".

He did as I asked. Then I put him in front of the full length mirror. I was amazed at what the pad and tucking did for the appearance. He looked like a real girl in the panties.

"Michael", I asked as I turned towards him. "Is this what you want? I won’t hate you if you tell me. DO YOU WANT TO BE A GIRL MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE? DO YOU WANT TO BE MY DAUGHTER?".

Tears started flowing and he threw himself towards me.

"Oh mother….. yes….. yes….. this is what I’ve always wanted". he said as he started sobbing. "That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Just to be a girl like you. Just to be your daughter."

"Do you like the bra, the panties, the sanitary pad?"

Now he wasn’t holding back.

"Yes…. the pad feels so nice…. so natural…. Oh mom, I wish I was a real girl and I could really use the pad the way it was meant to be used".

"You wish you could menstruate like me? Like other girls?"

"Yes mother…. I do. Don’t hate me".

"Michael I don’t hate you. And the bra, you like it too?"

"Yes …. I love the way it feels around me. I just feel like something is missing."

"Like you wish you had breasts so you could fill it out like a real girl?"

"Yes… exactly. Oh mom, don’t hate me for this".

"Michael, stop saying that. I don’t hate you. I just needed to find out what was going on."

Then he confessed the rest.

"Mother, I’ve come in your room and secretly worn your clothes. I’ve looked through your magazines at the panty and bra ads wishing I could wear them…. I mean REALLY wear them because I NEEDED to wear them. I’ve looked at other girls wishing I could be them."

A pause, and then a desperate plea for love, and admittance.

"Mother, I wish I was a girl. I wish I was your daughter. I wish I had a girls body, and that I could wear girls clothes. Just to go out and be a girl, be treated like a girl with whatever that brings, good or bad".

"It’s not about the clothes… some cross-dressing fantasy thing?"

"No mom… the clothes are nice… I mean I like skirts, dresses, everything….but they are secondary. They’re only the shell that shows what’s underneath. I do like the way they show off a girls body, and I do like the colors girls get to wear… so much prettier than boring boys clothes. But the most important thing is to have a girls body and mind. The clothes would just be a covering, although a nice one. If I was a girl, and had a girls life, her body, then the clothes would just show who and what I was, a girl

"You want to be a girl that much you’re willing to give up everything about being a boy?"

"I can’t tell you why, I just know how I feel, and I wish I were female".

He just kept crying violently. I consoled him. Finally I had found the truth.

"Michael, we each need to think about this… how about this? I’m so glad you told me. At least I know what the truth is… I know how you feel. How about if we go to bed. You wear what you have on. Forget your clothes. And here’s a nightgown to wear." I gave him/her a pretty floral nightgown.

"Oh mother, I love how it feels. And I guess I love you for finding out. Can I wear this all to bed?"

"Yes honey, bra, panties, everything."

 

Chapter 4 – Reflections

Nina’s thoughts

Well, this has been some night. I don’t know if this was better left said or unsaid, but at least I finally know the truth. It’s a big relief to know where things are between me and my son…. or is he my son? I am glad the truth is finally out. Its amazing what some tough love can do, and that’s why I did this tonight… because I LOVE my son…. because I wanted to find out… because he is my child no matter what or who he is. At least I have a much better idea about why he was doing these things. The truth is… my son is unhappy as a boy, and he wants to be a girl. From what he told me, he DESPARATELY wants to be a girl.

Was it something I did? Everything I’ve read on the Internet says that its nothing that a parent ever did. It’s something that is innermost to a ….. dare I say the word….. transsexual? But that’s exactly what these people are. They are transsexuals… and my son has claimed membership in that group.

I don’t think I’m going to let Michael run headlong into this decision. This is something that will take careful consideration. At least this idea is nothing new. I’ve seen transsexuals on talk shows.. at least the concept is not totally foreign. However, we’re going to have to seek some professional help, some counseling. He says he wants to be a girl, but I need some help in this matter. If it came down to helping him down this road, I think I love him enough to help him do this. But I think I want to take the cautious approach. Let’s see what the professionals have to say. Perhaps this is the road for my son, but it would certainly be easier if it could be avoided… our society does not handle people well that don’t fit within the norm.

Still, he, or should I say she?… is my child. I will do what I can to help, love, and protect, no matter which way this goes… Well, only time will tell.

 

Michael’s thoughts

I can’t believe this. My mother caught me…. and I think I’m glad. No, I KNOW I’m glad. Here I am in bed.. wearing girls clothes…. REAL girls clothes… and my mother knows about it… she even MADE me wear them. I always tried to hide the evidence. I didn’t want to be discovered… yet I DID want to be discovered. I always wanted my mom to help me become the girl I feel I am. I’m scared, and yet I’m excited. Maybe this is the start of a new life for me.

The bra, the panties… I feel so comfortable in them. They feel so nice against my skin. Most of all, they just feel so right. I should have been wearing them a long time ago. I feel such a release laying in bed here with them on. Its not a kinky sex thing… no…. they just feel so natural. Not having to sneak around. I am wearing them with her permission. And the pad…. it feels nice… like it should have been there for so many years. I wish I could have been having periods like other girls.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I think I don’t want this to stop. Its somewhat frightening… because I’m getting what I wished for. I’m not sure what others might think… I’m not sure how things will go… but I’m glad it happened… my Mom loves me. I’m glad she at last knows. Maybe we can do this together as mother and daughter…. yes….. as her daughter.

Well, I think I better get some sleep. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring… but it certainly will be interesting.

 

Chapter 5 - The Next Day

This is Michael, and I’m writing the story for now…

"Get up Michael" my mother said as she hovered over my bed.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

"Young lady, I’m assuming that’s ok with you, we have a lot to discuss. You need to get dressed and then come down for a bite to eat."

"Can you help me out of this so I can get dressed?"

She shot a glance at me when I said that.

"Michael, I thought you liked wearing what you have on….".

I stood there speechless for a few seconds.

"Michael," she said.. "I thought we established that you LIKED wearing that, and that you WANTED to be a girl, didn’t we?"

I still didn’t say anything.

"Michael… if nothing else… I think I showed that you can be truthful with me and I’m not going to clobber you for telling me the truth, right?"

"Yes mom", I said.

"Then I’ll ask again… You do like wearing your panties and bra, don’t you?"

"Yes…. more than anything".

"Then why take them off for heavens sake… And there’s no sense in wasting a perfectly good sanitary pad… I paid money for it. You do like it, don’t you?"

I sighed, and then gave a very relieved yes.

She came over and hugged me.

"Then just leave them on and enjoy them. A girl likes to feel her underwear next to her body many times. Get dressed, enjoy them, and come downstairs".

She left the room, and I just stood there feeling lucky, relishing the moment. I got dressed and came downstairs to meet her for a late breakfast.

"Michael, we have a lot to talk about. Are you ready to have a frank, mother-daughter talk with me?".

"Mother-Daughter?" I asked.

She just rolled her eyes.

"Michael, what you proposed last night was that you wanted to become my daughter, that you were already a girl inside, right?"

"Yes" I said… the yesses were coming easier by now.

"Then we need to have a mother-daughter talk. It is all right if I use the feminine with you, isn’t it?"

"Yes".

"Good. Michael, well that’s the first thing I need to address. If you’re going to be my daughter, you can’t very well have a name like Michael, can you?"

"I suppose not".

"I know your name on your Internet chat was Karen, but if I had had a girl, I would have named her Kathyrine Michelle. If its ok with you, I’d like to name you that. We can call you Kathy for short"

"Mother, that’s pretty. I think I like it, and I’d be proud to use that if that’s what you would have named me."

"Good Kathy. Now honey, we have a lot to talk about. I’d like you to tell me when you first started having these feelings, and I’d like you to tell me how deep they go, and why you think you have them."

"Well mom, its hard to tell. I think I started feeling I wanted to be a girl when I was 6 or 7. I saw other girls playing, and I liked them, and wanted to play with them… more than boys. It’s just kind of gone on from there. When I hit 11 or 12, and I started noticing girls begin to develop, I wished it were me. I looked at the pretty clothes they got to wear, and I was jealous. I looked at their bodies, and I was jealous. I looked at how the boys looked at them… and I was jealous of the attention they got, and how they were treated. I wanted to be the girl being taken out by the boy. And about how deep the feelings go… well, I don’t know. But I do know that I just "was’ a girl… I mean that my being was female… and then everything just went from there. And why I have them… I don’t know. They’re just there."

"So you’ve felt this way for a long time?" she asked.

"Ever since I can remember" I said as I mused about the question.

"That sounds like a lot of the other transsexual websites I’ve visited. I read their autobiographies as I’m sure you did. They express some of the same most basic feelings as you have. What did you think when you read their stories?"

"That they were telling my story".

"I see." she said as she paused.

"And you never wanted to date girls? I mean, you said you wanted the boys to take you out, if I’m hearing what I think I’m hearing."

"Mom, I want to be a girl. I’m jealous of them, their lives, their bodies. Why would I want to date them? I want to be one of them. And I guess, yes, I would like to be taken out by a boy, if I liked him, I guess."

"Kathy, I think what we need to do is seek out professional help. If in fact you really do want to be a girl as much as you say, and you are a transsexual girl, we can’t do this by ourselves. There are medical people out there that can help, that have helped others, and from what I’ve seen on the Internet, this is not something to take lightly. I think we should investigate it".

"You mean I can become a girl… start taking hormones?" I said eagerly.

"I’m not going that far yet young lady. I’m saying I see the potential for that happening, but I think we need to get you some professional help, see what they say, see if they agree, and see if there isn’t some other way to address this, if possible."

"Some other way? But I just want to be a girl, Mom".

"I know dear, but the world out there is a mean place, and they don’t agree with people who show alternate lifestyles. Especially alternate sexual lifestyles. We need to see if we can choose another way for you if that’s possible."

I sat there dejected.

"Kathy, I’m not saying you can’t go down the road to becoming a girl. I’m not saying either that I’m totally in agreement with this. I am saying that whatever happens, lets be careful. Let’s examine all the aspects. Let’s make sure you’re making the right decision"

I looked up at her.

"Mom, what if the doctors say I should be a girl? What if every fiber in my being says I should be a girl?"

She paused in thoughtful contemplation.

"Kathy, I decided last night that whatever happens, you are my child and I’ll love you. If, and I use that as a BIG word… IF it happens that you still want to be a girl after we do our investigation… that you NEED to be a girl…. then I’ll still love you. It would take some adjustment certainly, but if after seeking help we find out that’s what you NEED, you will become my daughter in every way."

"Thank you" I said as I gave her a hug. My mom was quickly becoming my best friend.

"But for right now, I think we need to see a professional; get their counsel. Will you agree to that?"

"Yes".

"And it just so happens that there’s someone that’s open today on Sunday who is a gender specialist. I called and spoke with her already, and if you’re open to it, we can go and see her in an hour. That will be your first step toward womanhood".

"Towards womanhood"… I trailed off..

"Michael, its not all a bed a roses" my mother said as she laughed a little.

"I guess not, but its got to be a whole lot better than what I am now."

"Okay then, if its ok with you, let’s go see what this doctor has to say".

 

Chapter 6 – The Doctor

With that, we got up, cleared the dishes, got in the car, and drove to see the specialist, a woman. Her name was Dr. Lane, and she was both an MD and a gender specialist. I was a bit nervous when we got there. She asked a lot of questions, about how I felt, who I thought I was, where I saw myself in society. I can’t remember all the questions. That was the first time.

We went back a few more times, each session was more probing. I guess she was trying to figure out what made me work. Anyway, at the end of the fourth session, she had my mom and I come into her office.

"Mrs. Jolly, Kathy, you’ve only been coming a short time, but I think I’ve heard enough to come to a decision. Over the years, I’ve seen quite a few male to female transsexuals. I’ve heard their feelings, and seen some of them post-operatively. I’ve tried to correlate what they say in the beginning with how they come out afterward, so that I can confidently predict after just a few visits whether I think they’ll be successful candidates for reassignment. I’ve gained a lot of experience over the years, and have been fairly successful, so what I’m about to tell you is said with a lot of background."

"With everything that Kathy has told me, I believe, Mrs. Jolly, that Kathy is a true transsexual, and I believe that her feelings are genuine, down to her inner being. You told me when you first came here that if it were possible, it would be good if Kathy could choose some other path, due to society’s norms. If that is possible, I normally agree with that. However, in Kathy’s case, and while an alternate path might be possible, I don’t think doing that will make Kathy happy."

"You think she needs to become a female?" my mother asked.

"Yes I do. Kathy says the if she could, she’d be a woman 100%, including her monthly cycle, and being able to get pregnant and have a baby. I asked her those questions specifically because they are some of the red flags, the signature feelings that separate say a cross-dresser from a transsexual. A cross-dresser for example gets his temporary satisfaction from dressing, then goes back to being a male. He is fundamentally happy with his male body, but needs some sexual release from time to time. A transsexual likes the clothes, but the clothes are only secondary. The BODY is what is important.. to come in line with the mind. Then once, the body is there, well it lets the clothes show that shape that a woman has. Although the clothes are important, the body is what the transsexual really wants, and the life that it brings.

By changing the body, it admits the transsexual to a new life. In the case of a male to female transsexual, it allows the male to gain admittance permanently to the life of a female, which is what they want. Once the body has been changed, then they can move on with life. They don’t have to be in turmoil about their body anymore because they feel at peace with it. And the clothes? They just become the clothes that show off the assets the hormones and nature give them. And that’s the way you and I have felt our entire lives. We like our body, are happy with it, and the clothes… well they are just clothes that show off our bodies. Kathy has demonstrated that also. Kathy has also indicated an interest in boys, more than girls. She told me she wanted to be a girl, not date them. That is a normal response for male to female transsexuals. There are some other indicators, which I really don’t need to go into, unless you’d like me to. The important thing is that Kathy matches the profile of a person that wants to be a girl, needs to be a girl. Yes, she could pursue another way, but I honestly don’t think she’ll ever be happy, completely, and these feelings do NOT go away, until they are addressed and corrected."

"Therefore doctor?" my mom asked. I was on pins and needles.

"Therefore, Mrs. Jolly, you have a daughter here. Help her to become that daughter she desperately wants to be. We can help her with the physical aspect. I can refer you to an endocrinologist who can put her on hormones. If you and Kathy have done as much research on the Internet as you say… I think you know what the hormones will do to her."

"Kathy, this is no kidding.. The hormones are going to change you. You’re going to get what you’ve been asking for, and if we get to a certain point, there is no turning back. Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Oh mom, let me be your daughter… let me be a girl".

We hugged. My mom looked at the doctor.

"Well, you see what I have on my hands. If she needs to be my daughter that badly, I won’t deny her."

"Good then", said Dr. Lane, "I’ll make an appointment to see the endo, and Kathy can start on hormones fairly quickly after an exam and some blood work of course. Oh, and Mrs. Jolly, you need to start thinking about getting your daughter some clothes. If she’s going to be a girl, I want her dressing in girls clothes as soon as possible to start making her transition. Perhaps not in public yet, but definitely around the house. Eventually of course, changes will occur and it will then be difficult to hide what’s going on. When that happens, dressing full-time will become necessary. And you need to start teaching her how to act as a girl also."

"Is that ok with you Kathy?" mom asked me.

I looked at her with a very resolved face.

"Mom, I can’t wait. Let’s get started right now".

"Mrs. Jolly", the doctor said, "can we speak privately for just a few minutes before you go? Kathy, you can wait outside.. this will just take a few minutes".

I nodded and left the room

* * * *

"Mrs. Jolly, I just want to let you know what is about to happen. On the outside, you have a boy. But on the inside, you have Kathy. As Kathy starts her transition, expect to see real female emotions come out. They are hidden, because right now, society tells Kathy that she can’t have these feelings openly. But once she starts treatment, you’ll see them come to the surface, because Kathy is getting to become the person that she is inside fundamentally. It won’t be unusual, once on hormones, for her to cry suddenly like other girls. It won’t be unusual for her to be very excited when she wears her first bra. Granted, that will take a while, but it will happen. You know what I’m talking about. We’ve both been through these things ourselves. I want you to be on the lookout for these signs. These feelings cannot be learned… they are part of her makeup already. That’s why I can tell you with confidence that what you have here is your daughter. Seeing these will be your assurance that you are doing the right thing. A normal boy would not, and could not have the emotions that Kathy has expressed; the emotions that even she doesn’t know she has yet."

She paused for a moment.

"Also, you’ll want to get Kathy to see a voice therapist. Her voice isn’t too bad, but it is on the male side. If she is going to be a woman, she needs to have a female voice. I can recommend one. Also, she needs to start electrolysis to remove her beard, although its obvious she doesn’t have much of one at all, so that will be to her advantage."

"Thank you doctor".

"Just be watchful. You’ll see. It will help you accept what is happening too. You’ll see that this is the best thing for Kathy."

* * * *

A few minutes later the door opened up and my mom came out

"Well, what did she say?" I asked.

"Just gave me some tips, that’s all… nothing serious."

"It wasn’t about me?"

"Of course it was about you. It’s nothing to worry about Kathy."

"Mom," I said.

"Yes?"

"I love you!".

"I know dear… let’s go home".

 

Chapter 7 – Starting down the road

It was a few days after that last visit to the specialist that we went to the endocrinologist. Nothing much to report there. He was nice, examined me, did some blood work. I could tell he had been through this before, and it was strictly business. After the results of the exams were back, he called my mom. When she came back, she had a small bag with her.

"What’s in the bag mom?" I could see it was from a pharmacy.

"I think you know. Take a look" she said.

I opened the bag and took out two bottles. One bottle said "Kathy Jolly…. Estrogen…. 1 tablet twice a day". The other bottle was Premarin…. one tablet a day.

"Estrogen and Premarin…." I said dreamily.

"Yes honey, your hormones. You’ll take enough to kill your testosterone, and I think you know what else will happen."

"Yes I do" I said wistfully. "Can I start right now?"

"I don’t see why not" she said.

I went to the kitchen, got some water and took the prescribed amount of both. I felt like the cat swallowing the canary.

"The only thing mom, is that this is going to take a while."

"Yes Kathy, but all girls have to wait for their bodies to change. The doctor says you’re young enough that you’ll probably be very close to 100% of a normal girls development. That’s the good thing… we caught this early enough. In the meantime, I have something else for you."

"You do?" I asked.

"You remember the doctor saying she wanted you to start wearing girls clothes all the time?"

"Yes" I replied.

"I went to the store and bought you some clothes.".

She brought out some bags, and I could tell she had spent quite a lot of money. Panties, tops, pants, sweaters, a couple of skirts, shoes, the works. But I did notice there were no bras.

"You must have spent a fortune, mom" I said.

"Well, that’s one benefit of having a good paying job. Consider it an early Christmas present. Christmas is only a couple of weeks away."

"Mom, this is great, but I don’t see any bras. How come?"

"Well dear, a girl gets her first bra when she has a need to wear one. That’s what my mother told me You’ll just need to wait for nature to take its course."

I paused for a minute, then I had to ask another question.

"Mom, am I supposed to wear these clothes all the time? At school?"

"You heard the doctor. We can limit it to around the house at first. But eventually, yes, it will become full-time. But that’s not something we have to worry about right now. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it."

So there it was. I started living half and half. Boy mode for half the time at school, not being able to tell anybody what was going on, then girl-mode at home. I suppose it was good I didn’t have a lot of friends at school. It would have made things very difficult if people came in on me at home in a skirt.

One thing that helped me get through the ups and downs and feelings of frustration was my music. You see I take violin lessons, and I love classical music. Mom gave me that love from a very early age, and I’m glad she did. I absolutely love to play, and want to get into the school orchestra. But besides being fun, it also helps to relieve stress. When I would come home, and if I was feeling kind of down, I’d put on a CD of my favorite symphony or concerto, and try playing along. It really helped release the tension.

 

Chapter 8 – First Changes

Christmas had come and gone. I hadn’t gotten a lot this year, but then mom told me I had already gotten my Christmas presents for this year, clothes, getting to start living as a girl. Life had been going fairly smoothly. It had been about four months since I had started everything, and I woke up on a Sunday and I felt strange. My chest had been itching, but today it was more than usual. My skin also felt funny all over.

"Mom" I yelled, "come here, my chest is itching".

She came in my room. I was wearing my panties and nightgown like I did all the time now.

"What’s wrong?" she asked.

"My chest feels funny, funnier than usual, and my skin, its ….. strange".

"Let’s see" she said as she told me to take my nightgown off. She looked at my chest and then looked me in the face.

"What do you think is happening, young lady? Look at your chest".

I looked at it, and could see two mounds sticking out behind my nipples. I looked at her.

"Mom, I’m getting my breasts, aren’t I?"

"You most certainly are young lady. You’re going through what every girl has to go through."

"They itch" I said.

"Yes, but that’s because they’re growing. The hormones are working just like they’re supposed to. I was waiting for this day. I have something for you."

She was wearing her robe, and reached into the pocket. and pulled out…….. A BRA.

"Kathy, this is one of the first stages of changes that you’ll be going through. And if you want to continue with this… you’ll need to wear this. In fact if you continue, you’ll be wearing one of these for the rest of your life."

"Mom, that’s …… A BRA… isn’t it?" I said staring at what she held in her hands.

"Yes honey, and if you’d like it, its YOUR bra. To support and hold up YOUR breasts. It’s what every girl has to wear. Would you like me to help you put it on?"

I was in awe of the situation. Then I spoke, and it was with such anticipation I surprised even myself.

"Oh yes…. would you?"

I slipped my arms in the straps, and I felt her snap the back. I looked down at the cups, and you could see the half dollar size protrusions coming through.

"Oh mom, this is a lot different than when you made me wear your bra… the night I told you everything. Mom, now I …. NEED…. to wear this, don’t I?"

"Yes honey, just like every other girl needs to wear one eventually. And in just a short time, you’ll be needing to wear a larger size too. But be patient. That will come."

"Mom, I don’t know how to describe it. It feels so nice. It makes me feel so pretty."

I looked at my body and saw how the bra encircled it. I heard her laugh.

"Well Kathy, one of these days, if you continue as you are, you won’t even notice it’s on. It’s just part of a girls wardrobe and that’s about it. But I remember when I wore my first bra and how excited I was. I’m glad you like it, and I’m glad you’re happy about what’s happening to you."

"Mom, thank you for getting it for me. And yes, I really AM HAPPY about what is happening."

"I can tell, sweetheart." She paused.

"Kathy, you also said your skin felt funny. What’s that about?"

"I don’t know, it just feels funny."

She looked at my skin, and then looked at hers.

"Honey, that’s nothing that hasn’t happened to other girls. Your skin is softening. Do you notice how it looks clearer, smoother?"

"Yes, I guess so".

"You don’t have as much hair, its thinning a little, and the skin is smoother, right?"

"Yes".

"Look at mine, feel mine". she said.

"Its starting to feel like yours."

"Exactly…. you’re just becoming more of a female… that’s all. Just going through what every other girl goes through."

"I really AM becoming a girl. Those hormones are really working, aren’t they?"

"Yes honey, you just wait and see."

* * * * *

This is Mrs. Jolly, and I need to make an entry here.

This morning was Kathy’s real debut into womanhood. Her body is starting to change, even though the changes are small. Today, she got her first bra. Its been a long time since that happened to me, but I do remember how excited I was to think I was becoming a woman. Kathy exhibits the same giddy glee over this event. The doctor told me to be looking for signs such as this… and Kathy is performing true to form as the doctor predicted. I don’t think any boy would ever be that excited about wearing a bra. Only a girl who knew she was being admitted to becoming a woman and who WANTED to become a woman would feel this way. If Kathy continues to show these signs, and it looks like she will, then we’re doing the right thing.

End of Entry

 

Chapter 9 – Harvest time

It was around April when I started wearing my first bra. It was kind of hard at school trying to hide the fact that I was getting breasts, but somehow I managed it. Mom had gotten a note from the doctor and had excused me from PE, so that was a big relief. After that, things pretty much went on as usual, except I was getting more edgy. Things weren’t happening as fast as I thought they should, and I had to switch back and forth between girl and boy mode. The frustration level was definitely high.

Parents that are in touch with their children can usually tell when something is wrong. My mom had proven she had a sense of my mood. After a particularly difficult day one time, I remember getting out my violin, and putting on the most aggressive symphony music I had in my collection. I had to practice anyway, but today I played for 3 hours, instead of the 2 hours I usually played. Mom heard how hard I was playing the instrument and came in to my room.

"Feeling down honey?" she asked.

"Yes" I replied as I put the instrument down.

"Mom, it’s a couple of things. I see other girls at school, and then I look at myself, and think I’m never going to get where I want to be."

"Honey," she said.. "it takes a few years for the normal girl to develop. So why should you expect things to be any different for you? Be patient. Anything else?"

"Well, It’s also my music. You know I love playing, but I’ll just never get into the orchestra class at school. I’ve been practicing and practicing, and I guess I’m not good enough."

"Kathy," she said "that’s an advanced orchestra class you’ve been trying to get into. They’re playing difficult material. I know you want to play in that Honors class. And besides, the year is almost over. Now is not a good time to let someone in. I spoke with your violin teacher and the orchestra director at school. They both think you’re close to being good enough to tackle the music you’ll be required to play. And they both said this fall would probably be a good time to get into the class, if you stay focussed and keep practicing. I’ll find out what music they’re playing and get you some CD’s that you can play along with. Perhaps if you’re playing what they’re playing it will prepare you a little more."

"Thanks, mom. I sure hope it does. This music is the one way I have of letting out my feelings, besides coming to you." I said.

"Well, honey, I’m just glad you know you can come and talk to me. I’ll see what I can do."

I didn’t get in the honors orchestra class, but one good thing happened. The year was over, and summer was upon us. I never complain about summer vacation.

It was about July, when a big development happened. I was going to see my doctor regularly to monitor my progress, but one day, while on summer vacation, I got a call from Dr. Lane. She wanted to talk to Mom, who was at work, as usual.

"She’s not here right now" I replied.

"Well, tell her to call Dr. Lane when she gets home."

All of a sudden, I heard the door open up. It was only 3pm and in walked my mother.

"Hey, she just walked in" I said over the phone.

"Good, put her on the phone" I heard Dr. Lane say.

"Hello?…. Yes…. Yes… I see… Yes that is an important breakthrough…. I see… 4 O’clock? Yes, we can be there… We’ll see you then".

And she hung up the phone. I was jumping up and down with curiosity.

"What is it?" I asked in anticipation.

"Mom, what was the phone call about?" I asked

"Well, young lady, you’ve been talking lately about becoming more of a woman, and how slowly things are going. That was Dr. Lane. She has some big news about what you’ve been preoccupied with. She wants us at her office in an hour. I think you’ll be interested in what she has to say."

"What is it?"

"I’ll let her tell you".

We got in the car, and were there at Dr. Lane’s office as ordered. She came out, greeted us, and brought us into her office.

"Kathy, Mrs. Jolly, I have some potentially good news… that is it could be good news depending on what

you think Kathy."

"What is it?" I asked.

"Well, the government has been fighting about stem cell research for quite some time, and it seems that they have finally struck a compromise. Stem cell medicine has just been approved recently by Congress, and the AMA was quick to approve it to the general public. We’ve had our findings ready for some time, and we already know it works, but we had to wait for the politicians to get it together and give us the green light. Stem cell research is the technology that allows us to make new organs. It has given us the technology to create organs from cells, and create organs from cells they are related to. The benefits of course are obvious. We’ve already cloned ears and other basic parts. With the stem cell research, transplantation without rejection is now possible. We’ve already seen that in the laboratory. But we couldn’t take it any further without an act of Congress and that has just been confirmed."

I sat there, not quite seeing where the doctor was taking this.

"What are you saying?" I asked.

"Kathy, what this means is that creating organs is now technologically and more importantly, politically possible. We can create organs from a donor and transplant them back in. Since the organs come from the donor, it means rejection is a thing of the past."

The doctor paused, then she continued.

"Kathy, what it means is we can clone ovaries, fallopian tubes, a uterus, and a vagina for you. The entire set of organs you’ll need to be a fully mature female.".

I sat there for a second.

"Ovaries and a uterus?" I said.

My mom looked at me.

"Kathy, it means that you can become a real girl. Do you understand?" she said.

"A real girl doctor? Periods?" I asked.

"Yes Kathy… and don’t forget…. pregnancy also" she replied.

"I can have a baby?" I said in a shocked manner.

"If we don’t delay. The question is, do you want to proceed in this way? This would make you undeniably a girl, in every way."

"How would it work?" I asked.

"First, I have to ask you a question. Are you still having erections, and do you still ejaculate the white fluid, or is it completely clear?"

"Yes, they’re not as often, but yes, they’re still there, and yes I still notice the white fluid."

"When was the last time this happened?"

"Maybe three or four days ago, I was dreaming of being a girl, and had a wet dream. I woke up and I had an erection. All sticky. It was gross."

"That’s good, because it means your male cells are still active. You’ve been throwing massive amounts of hormones at them, and eventually they die. We need to have active sex cells from the testicles and penis in order to do this growing. Once we get them, we reprogram the cells, and in time, the organs will grow. The testicles are the ovaries anyway, just mutated with male hormones. The penis is the equivalent of the vagina in the male. We simply feed the cells female hormones, and they’ll react the same way your external body will eventually react. We can take a few hundred thousand cells, and grow more than one of the organs we need. Also, we’ll collect some sperm, and reprogram them. They’ll form the eggs which we’ll implant in the ovaries. And with reprogramming, they’ll no longer have the Y chromosome, but rather the X chromosome, which a girl’s eggs must have in order for a baby to be formed. Then, once everything is grown, we can freeze them for later use, and eventually transplant them when you’ve completed your transition on hormones and you’re ready for your sex change operation. End result, you will be completely a female. That is what you wanted in the first place, isn’t it?"

"My sex change…." I repeated.

I thought for a second.

"That means I would have menstrual periods? I could have….." I trailed off.

"A baby? Yes that’s exactly what I’m proposing." Dr. Lane completed the sentence.

"Kathy" she continue. "As I said from the beginning, I have noticed that you have a need to be a female. This isn’t a passing fancy, it’s a need. Although its still early in your development, I can see professionally where this is going. As such, we want to give you every opportunity to live a normal life, if things go to their logical conclusion, which I expect. We’re proposing to meet that need, 100% of the way."

I turned to my mom.

"Oh mother, can I? I’d be a real girl".

"Kathy, this is a BIG step… but if its what you want…. it is what you want, isn’t it Kathy?" she asked.

"Yes" I said as I slowly shook my head.

"What do we need to do, Dr. Lane?" my mother asked.

"The problem is time. Its against us, and we need to act quickly. If you’re willing, I want to check Kathy into the hospital tonight and schedule her for outpatient surgery tomorrow morning. This will be somewhat

intrusive, but all we’re doing is gathering cells. She should be out in a day and at home. Mrs. Jolly, can you take some time off work? She’ll need a couple of days to recover."

"I think I can do that." mom said.

"Good, then we’ll see you in the morning.

The surgery went without too much discomfort. The one thing I remember is that they put me up in stirrups so they could do their work. It was uncomfortable, but well, that’s the price a girl has to pay for being who she is.

I was home the next day recovering

We got a call from Dr. Lane a couple of weeks later.

"Kathy, Dr. Lane called and said the cells they collected were in good condition. The cell structures are taking good shape. She doesn’t see any problems growing your female organs."

I laughed.

"What’s so funny?" mom asked.

"I’m going to be a real girl…. to the MAXI".

She laughed.

"Well, we’ll see how you like it once it actually happens. Still, that’s some time away."

We hugged, but we both knew that this was my eventual destiny.

 

Chapter 10 – Hard to Hide

A year had passed, and people around me and the kids at school were starting to notice I was different. For those at school that saw me often, I just got funny looks. From those that didn’t know me, or when we were in public, I got REALLY funny looks.

As before, the one thing that helped me through these days was my music. I had made it to the honors orchestra class at the beginning of the school year, although I wasn’t the best player, yet. But as usual, the daily practicing and playing helped me toward becoming that, and once again it really helped to relieve the stress that I went through when others would look at me, or maybe even say something. One thing about the music I noticed was that it helped people to overlook the subtle changes they noticed. Oh, they still noticed them, but if I spoke to another player that could appreciate what I was working towards, we could talk about music, and it helped give us something in common and the changes didn’t seem so bad. I suppose the music made me more of a person in their eyes, and I guess they were getting used to me.

I had been in electrolysis, and I had also been seeing a speech therapist. Both for some time. It was getting difficult to switch back and forth between boy and girl modes. Sometimes I’d open my mouth, and it would come out wrong. People would look at me like they didn’t know who… or what I was. Also, my breasts had begun filling out a little more, and it was beginning to get more difficult to hide my two assets.

It was still cold weather, so I could wear layers to cover things up. However, my mom had other ideas.

"You’re just going to have to start wearing your clothes to school, Kathy. You’re… in-between. Its getting a bit confusing for people to tell whether you’re a boy or a girl. They need some visual cues.

"Yes… but what will the kids at school think?".

"You told me you wanted to be a girl." she said. "And you knew eventually it would come down to this. Now if you really want to do this, you are going to have to face the music. People need to know what you want to be. I think you need to wear your clothes all the time at this point. Do you think I go around wearing women’s clothes one minute, and then change into men’s clothes the next?"

"No, but you’re a woman" I said.

"And so will you in a short time, that’s obvious. Those hormones aren’t just sitting there in your body doing nothing. They’re changing you the way I think you want to be changed, right? Giving you the body you said you want, right?"

"Yes".

"And when you get the body you want, you’re going to HAVE, or rather as you said, NEED to wear them.

Kathy, if you’re going to be a girl, you’re just going to have to learn to cope with the kids at school. At some time, you’re going to have to come out and tell them what is going on. They ARE going to find out eventually.".

"But its going to be embarrassing".

"If you want to be a girl badly enough, you’ll do it" she pressed.

"Yes" I said, knowing she was right.

"Then you’re going to have to deal with it. Kathy, I’ll help you. We’ll go to the principal and tell him what’s going on. The school doesn’t put up with harassment so why should this be any different? Yes, it won’t be easy, but nothing in life worth having is easy. You should know that better than some people because of your playing. You only get satisfaction after you’ve done something you really want to do, even if it is difficult. If this is what you want, then you’ll just have to do what makes it happen. Understand?"

"Yes" I said. "I guess if that’s what it takes, I’ll just have to do it".

"Good. I’ve scheduled an appointment with the principal, and we’ll go explain the situation to him tomorrow. Looks like you have a day off."

The next day my mom made me get dressed to go out in girl mode. Nothing fancy. A white shirt with some flowers on it, some neutral pants, a sweater. socks and loafers. The clothes weren’t that much different than what I had been used to wearing around the house, except…. they were what a girl would wear, and I was going OUT in them. My hair was also long for a boy. We had decided a couple of months ago to let it grow. My mom did what she could with it to make it presentable.

"Well, if you’re going to be a girl, you’re going to have to take you to a salon one of these days and get your hair cut and styled. For right now, this will have to do."

We then got in the car and went to the school to talk to the principal. He was about 45, and for an old guy, he was surprisingly understanding.

"Well, that is an amazing story. And you say you’ve been doing this for about a year?" the principal said.

"Yes, Kathy has been seeing a doctor to help her make these changes." my mom said.

"Kathy…. is that what you’d like to be called?" he asked me.

"That’s what my mom named me" turning to her and giving her a smile.

"Kathy… you are an amazing, courageous, young person. I say young person, because its hard for me right now to think of you as who you want to become, although I can see you’re kind of "in-between" as the expression goes. I had been hearing rumors, but now I get to see for myself, and I can see exactly what is happening. If you’re under doctors orders, and are taking the steps to become Kathy, then I’m going to have to try to accommodate you. I think your mom is right, you need to continue in school, and learn to fit in with the other kids as Kathy. Some will be ok with it, others won’t understand, but I’m prepared to have an assembly and tell the school about you, and threaten them to not hurt you, and to try to get to know you. Of course, you’ll continue to not take boys PE, especially if things are progressing as I think they are. "

"Can I take home-ec?" I asked.

"I don’t see why not. Its true the second semester has already started, but you haven’t missed that much. Considering the circumstances, I don’t think that’s a problem. I’ll make the arrangements. You come back to school at the start of next week. That will give the teachers time to tell everyone. In the meantime, enjoy your couple of days off. A little vacation from me to you".

"You’re so kind" I told the principal. "How come?"

He laughed… "It’s a small world. My sister used to be my brother. That’s her picture on my desk.".

"Her?…" I gasped.

"Yes."

"She’s beautiful."

He replied.. "The doctors did miracles for her. She’s a new person. She’s happier than she ever was as my brother. And that’s why I understand."

 

Chapter 11 – A new day at School

The next week came, and I was very nervous. It was Monday and I was moping. It was getting late and I knew I had better get ready. My mom walked in to my room.

"Kathy, you’re not ready!" she said in a firm voice.

"Mom… I’m nervous about this".

"Young lady, we’ve been through all this. Everything has been set. All the teachers and students know. Its kind of late to back out now."

She came over to me.

"Let me help you get dressed. I can’t do this all the time Kathy, but I know you’re nervous. You’re just going to have to do this. How about the outfit you wore to the principals office? That doesn’t take much work, and its not ultra-feminine either."

"I suppose that would be ok."

"Okay, get dressed, and I’ll come back to do your makeup."

"Makeup?".

"Of course. Today you’re a girl going to school, and a 16 year old girl wears makeup."

No protests from me. I knew she was right. Mom hugged me and left.

Okay well I guess its "put up or shut up" time. I got dressed and then called for her. Mom came in and put my makeup on… not a lot… but enough so that you could definitely tell I was wearing it. It gave me a healthy glow.

"Its not a lot of makeup, is it?"

"No dear, but its enough to put you over the edge. Your looks have changed, and this helps to tell everyone who and what you are. We want them know you’re serious about what you’re doing; that you’re trying to fit in and be who you say you want to be. And anyway, you don’t need a lot. Luckily, as Michael, you never really started shaving, and with the electrolysis, the look is convincing. There’s not very much at all to cover. That’s to your advantage."

I hugged her and started to cry.

"Kathy, don’t start crying on me. You’ll run your makeup, and I don’t have time to do it again!" she said in a firm, but half laughing manner. "You look nice dear".

I looked in the mirror…. and I DID LIKE what I saw.

"Do or die, right mom?" I said with a hopeful look.

"Yes dear, it will work out. You’ll see."

After that we were ready to go. We got in the car and off we went.

 

That first day was frightening. The kids kind of avoided me. The teachers seemed cool towards me. Nobody really said anything offensive; I don’t think they really knew what to think. A couple of girls told me they liked what I was wearing, but that was about it. It wasn’t until AFTER school that things really started to happen… after I got home.

The doorbell rang, and mom looked out.

"Kathy, it looks like there are some girls here to see you."

"For me? No girls ever came to see me before".

"Well, today is a new day. Go answer the door".

I stood there frozen for a minute.

"Kathy…. Go… Answer… The Door!!" she said firmly.

I went over there and opened it up. It was Cindy Johnson, Sarah Kent, and Brenda Willis… and their mothers. They were all pretty, and I wondered what was going on. I stood there.

"Can we come in?" they asked.

"Sure, I guess so".

As they came in, my mother came out of the kitchen with a tray of drinks and sandwiches. She was always the perfect hostess. Somehow I could tell that this wasn’t an accident.

"Sit down girls" my mother called out.

"What’s this all about?" I asked.

Silence for a minute, then Cindy Johnson spoke up.

"Kathy, we’ve come over to say hi, and to talk to you. Last week the principal told us all about you. He even told us about his sister who was there at school to talk to us. He said that we had in our school a young person who didn’t feel comfortable with who he, rather she, was, and who had the courage to confront what needed to be done, and that next week, she’d be coming as who she REALLY was. He said you were going to need some friends too."

Then Sarah Kent chimed in.

"Yeah, Kathy, we had heard the rumors about you, and didn’t really understand what was going on… why you looked out of place sometimes. Then, after that assembly, we went and told our moms. They told us about transsexuals and explained why you were looking the way you were looking. Are you really taking female hormones to change yourself?"

I nodded.

"Anyway," Sarah continue, "all three of us girls have been close since grade school, and we all got together and discussed what you were doing. We decided we wanted to try to help…. if you were genuine about this… and we asked our moms what we could do?"

Then Sarah’s mom took the lead.

 

"Kathy, what Sarah is trying to tell you is that we’ve always told our daughters that a girl should be judged by who she is, not what she looks like, or not what she appears to be. That’s not how everyone does it, but it’s what we believe and what we’ve taught our girls. I suppose my daughter and her friends have learned that lesson better than we expected. All three of us mothers have tried to teach our daughters that. They came and told us about you… and said that they admired you for your courage… and that if you had the courage to come out with such a difficult story… and were really genuine…. could we maybe help? So then we phoned your mother and made arrangements to come over and talk to you. We told our daughters that if they were going to be your friend, as a girl, we needed to meet and talk to you"

I was speechless.

"Kathy" my mother said, "what do you have to say?"

It was difficult to respond to such an open display of caring.

"I guess I’m surprised, and happy too. I never expected anything like this".

"Kathy…." said Brenda Willis, "tell us about how you feel. Do you REALLY want to be a girl? You know it isn’t always easy."

 

"You want to know?" I replied.

"Yes. If we are going to be your friends, we’d like to know the girl we are becoming friends with".

So I began to tell them…. everything.

"And you even wish you could have a period?" Cindy asked.

"Yes I do".

"You have it bad girl, but it isn’t always a fun time".

All three girls giggled about that one.

"And if those hormones do as good a job on you as they did on the principals sister, well the boys will be looking at you. And they WON’T always be looking you in the face when they’re talking to you either!!".

"Girls…" Cindy’s mom said. "We need to go, but we did want to come and offer our support, right? I can see that Kathy is serious, and If this is what she wants, our girls will support her through the changes that await her. Right girls?"

"Yes" they all said together.

"And Nina, for as long as we’ve all known each other, we know you’re a good person, and will do a good job teaching your daughter how to be a young lady."

With that, they got up, and the girls all hugged me. Then they left. It was just the two of us again.

"Well Kathy, you’ve had quite a first day at school, don’t you think?"

"I’ll say. I never thought I’d have anything like this from such pretty girls."

She laughed.

"Well, you better get used to the fact that women don’t base their friendship on how they look. Not all women anyway. Some do, but most don’t. Yes, they’re pretty girls, but whether they are or aren’t had nothing to do with why they came over. They had caring hearts, and they wanted to come over to help you. It just so happens that on top of that that they’re considered good looking. Women just don’t place the importance of looks on a friendship. That’s a male thing. But you’ll learn."

 

Chapter 12 – Shopping

It was a about two weeks after my first meeting with Cindy, Sarah, and Brenda, that Sarah called me up one Saturday morning.

"Hi Kathy" said Sarah. "What’s going on?"

"Nothing much." I was getting used to talking to them and it was funny… it was starting to get to be rather routine.

"Hey listen" she said over the phone. "We wanted to go to the mall, and thought you might like to go. How about it?"

"To the mall? Me?"

"Sure, why not?" she replied.

"Well, I’ve never been to the mall" I said.

"Never been? Sure you have. We’ve seen you there."

"I mean, I’ve never been there as Kathy before."

"As Kathy? Say what is this? Are you our girlfriend or what?"

"Well sure I am!" I said bravely.

"Well then how about it? The four of us GIRLS!!!"… and she emphasized the word GIRLS.

I thought for a minute, then I thought about doing everything or nothing.

"Well, what the heck. I AM yours, and Cindy’s, and Brenda’s girlfriend, right?"

"That’s why I’m calling silly" she said with a laugh.

"OK then, do or die, either I go as Kathy or this whole thing is a joke, and I know its not."

"That’s the spirit!" she replied. "How about our moms and us come by in a half hour?"

I turned to my mom.

"Mom, can I go to the mall with my friends?"

"Tell her forty-five minutes, you need to get presentable".

"Thanks mom… Hey Sarah… forty-five minutes? Mom wants to get me ready".

"Sounds like my mom!" Sarah said. "Ok, sounds good. See you then".

It was a fast forty-five minutes, and the car horn was honking already. I had on a pair of jeans and a sweater and some loafers. My mom gave me a small shoulder purse she had bought for me with some money in it and told me to have a good time.

"A purse mom?" I asked.

She shot a glance at me said "You’re a ….".

"Girl…" I completed the sentence. Nothing more needed to be said. I hugged her and left the house.

"Hi Kathy" Cindy said. "Ready for you’re shopping debut?"

"I guess so"

We got to the mall and didn’t waste any time invading the shops. After a little while, the girls looked at me.

"Hey girl, its time for you to take a dare. You game?"

"Take a dare?"

"Yeah, we dare you to go into Claires’ boutique and get your ears pierced. You need some earrings".

"Earrings?"

"Sure, look, we have them. All girls get them. And you did say "do or die", on the phone, didn’t you?".

I suppose I did say that.

"Yes I did…. well let’s go."

We went in the store, and they selected some simple gold studs. We went up to the register to pay for them, then told the sales lady what we wanted.

"Which ear do you want this in?" she asked.

"Ma’am" Sarah said, "You don’t understand, she wants both ears done."

"She?" the lady asked. "You mean, he, don’t you?"

This was going to be a problem. It was then I saw a side of my girlfriends that I could have never seen before, when I was Michael. The side that is only shown through friendship when a girl is admitted in to another girls inner circle.

"Ma’am, this is our friend Kathy. She may look like a boy on the outside, but she is becoming a girl, and we are her friends. Isn’t her money the same as ours? She wants these earrings and we want to help her get them. Can you accept that?"

She shrugged her shoulders and motioned for me to sit up on the stool and get ready. Then she spoke to me.

"Young….. lady… I guess you’re pretty lucky to have friends like these. Okay, get ready. Here we go."

It only hurt a little. After it was done, I looked in the mirror. I LIKED them. We left the store and got a soda. We must have sat there for an hour talking. Then I spoke up.

"You girls brought me here on purpose to get this done, didn’t you!!?"

"We sure did!" said Brenda. "This was a test, and you passed with flying colors!"

"A test?" I said.

"Yes, your mom and our moms were talking and thought it would be fun to see just how serious you were. Getting earrings is definitely a feminine thing. They wanted to see if you’d do it. And girl, you should have seen yourself when you looked in the mirror. You really LIKED it when she put them in, didn’t you? We could see you blushing when that sales lady put them in. We could tell. You like how they look, don’t you."

"Yes," I said as I began blushing again. "I sure did, and I sure do. And I also enjoyed something else."

"What’s that?" Brenda asked.

"Well, its only been two weeks since this all started at school, and yet I can tell I have your unconditional friendship. You told that sales woman where to go."

"We told you we’d help you, and we weren’t kidding, were we?"

She looked at Sarah and Cindy. They all nodded in agreement.

I squeezed Brenda’s hand. The feelings were communicated immediately.

"Hey, I have an idea" Brenda said.

"What’s that?". I was all ears.

"You know you said ‘do or die’ when Sarah talked to you on the phone?

"Yes." I replied.

"Well let’s call us the ‘Do Or Die’ club".

I thought about it and agreed. I was starting to see what having close girl friends was like… And I liked it.

After that, it was time to leave. When I arrived home, my mom was waiting for me.

"Well, how did it go?" she said.

"I think you know… after all… you planned this!".

"Just trying to give you opportunities to experience things as a young girl should. Those earrings look nice on you, they go nice with your hair color. Do you like them?"

"Yes I do" I said triumphantly. "I have a feeling my friends and I will be going shopping quite a bit".

"I’m sure of it Kathy. That’s what girls do."

 

Chapter 13 – Signs of Trouble

The next day when I got dressed, I couldn’t help but notice my budding breasts. It had been a little over a year since I started the hormones. My breasts had started as little knots behind my nipples. Now they were filling out a little more each day. I put on my bra and stood in front of the mirror. It was obvious they were filling up the A cup. They were getting a little more noticeable. It was getting to the point where I HAD to wear a bra, but that didn’t really bother me. It was still cold out, so I decided a sweater and shirt was still in order. After I got dressed, I went back to the mirror. The layers pretty well hid what was happening, but inside, I knew what was happening. And I knew it wouldn’t be long before this would be starting to show.

Monday… well its school again. But today, I had something to tell my friends. Mom was calling to me and it was time to go.

Lunch came quickly that day, and it was the four of us girls at our usual table. I must have been glowing all over, because Cindy didn’t waste a minute trying to pry me open.

"Kathy, what’s going on with you? You’re smiling from ear to ear."

I sat there and just looked at them, and I could tell I was grinning.

"Yes Kathy" said Sarah. "Tell us what it is".

I still didn’t say anything, but my hand unconsciously went to my bra strap to adjust it.

"I…. I….." I sputtered.

They gasped, a knowing look came over their faces.

"Kathy, you’re wearing a bra, aren’t you?!"

"Yes" I said with glee. "I have been for awhile, but only publicly since I came out at school."

Sarah paused, then looked me straight in the eye.

"Kathy, are you getting your boobs?"

I shook my head yes.

"Congratulations girl" said Brenda.

"Yes, congratulations", said Sarah. "Do you like them?".

This time I shook my head yes with a very slow, deliberate motion.

"You REALLY DO like them, don’t you?!" she said in response to my slow nods.

"I can’t describe it, but yes, I really do. The only problem is they itch, and I wish they were a little bigger".

They all laughed.

"Well, that’s just the price you pay for getting what you wish for and being one of us".

We decided to leave the cafeteria early and get our books from our lockers for the afternoon. We walked to each others locker; mine was the last stop. When I opened my locker, I was greeted with a surprise.

"My coat!" I yelled.

I stood there looking in shock, seeing that someone had sprayed shaving cream all over the inside of my locker. My coat was covered, not to mention some of my books. On the inside of the locker door was a note.

"Hey faggot girl, or whatever you are, have a nice day!!" And it was signed "The Stud!"

"Who would do such a thing!?" I asked, starting to cry.

"Its that Bob Miller creep." Cindy replied. "He’s a nothing jerk, and he thinks he’s a real stud!".

"I don’t think so, I know I am!!" we heard in the background. "More of a stud than you’ll ever hope to get!".

"Why don’t you go play with yourself!" said Sarah. "Kathy is our friend, leave her alone you piece of crap!".

"Getting mighty chummy with a faggot boy who can’t decide what he is, are we?" he said.

"She’s our friend!" Sarah continued. "Leave her and us alone!".

He came over, and got real close. You could smell marijuana on him. He was obviously high and feeling his oats. He put his hands on me.

"Get your hands off me!" I yelled. I struggled to break free, but he was a lot bigger and stronger than I had ever even hoped to me.

"Maybe you’d like a little of what I have, if you hate being a boy so much!".

I tried to push him away, but I wasn’t that strong to begin with. Cindy came over and tried to pry him off of me. He pushed her down, and she hit the floor. He was getting loud now.

"Yeah, you know you want it faggot thing".

I was looking away, trying to get away, trying to flee. Then all of a sudden, I felt him release his grip. He let forth an "Ooof" sound, then I heard another loud thud. He laid there curled up holding himself. The pain was obvious.

"Get out of here you creep, and leave Kathy and us alone if you know what’s good for you!" said Brenda as she stood there with her twirling baton.

All of a sudden a door opened up, and out walked the assistant principal. The "Stud" had chosen the wrong place to start an attack.

"What’s going on here?!" he asked.

"Hi Mr. Charles" Brenda replied. "This Bob Miller creep sprayed our friend Kathy’s locker with shaving cream, and then almost attacked her. He was talking dirty to her too."

"What’s he doing laying in the floor?" he asked.

"My mom and dad told me what to do with jerks like him, so I just used my baton where I knew it would do the maximum damage".

"Young lady, violence doesn’t solve anything…" he said looking at her, me, and the Stud.

He paused… By that time, some other teachers had arrived and were helping the Stud to a bench.. He was still in substantial pain. Mr. Charles looked at me and continued.

"You’re Kathy Jolly, the boy, I mean girl, that we had the assembly for, right?"

"Yes, sir" I said, still shaking.

"Did he do this to you? What did you do to him to antagonize him?"

"Mr. Charles, she didn’t do anything to him" said Cindy, having gotten up off the floor.

"Let her tell it" he said.

"I didn’t do anything to him. I’m just trying to fit in Mr. Charles. It’s hard enough to fit in without his help." I was crying. "These are my friends. We were just coming to get our books for the next class and he showed up. I found this note in my locker and then he attacked".

I handed him the note. He looked at it.

"Will you all be willing to back up Kathy’s story?" he asked.

Cindy, Sarah, and Brenda all shook their heads.

"Well, considering the physical evidence, and the note, and the fact that I know Mr. Miller calls himself the "Stud", there’s no doubt it was he that did this. Take him into my office." he said to the other teachers. "He’s been causing too much of a problem around here; he’s expelled for a week, and we’ll be talking to his parents too."

Before they took him into Mr. Charles office, I saw him look up at me.

"You haven’t heard the last of me… faggot bitch!"

"Get him in my office!!" Mr. Charles snapped.

There was a pause.

"Kathy" said Mr. Charles. "Considering the circumstances, I think you and your friends need to go see the school counselor and talk about this. Take the afternoon off from class. I’ll talk to your teachers and give you all an excuse. We’ll call your parents, and after the session with the counselors, I want you to go home where you can be safe. We’ll see you tomorrow."

He turned to Brenda.

"What’s your name, young lady?"

"Brenda Willis" she replied.

"My official word to you is to watch it! We don’t put with violence around here, especially what you did. You could damage a young man".

He paused.

"And my unofficial word is…. nice job with the baton. He’s caused similar trouble before and I’m sure he deserved it!"

We all went to the counselor and talked about what had happened. After that, our parents showed up.

When we got home mom and I started talking.

"Mom, why would anybody do this? What did I ever do to them? To HIM?"

"Dear, its like I told you before. Not everyone is going to understand. Some can be open-minded, others can’t be. Some people, like this Miller character feel threatened or inadequate, and have to prove something. Unfortunately, he manifests it with violence. He might also feel threatened."

"Threatened?" I asked.

"Yes, the thought of some boy doing what you’re doing …. well he can’t handle it. He doesn’t understand, and he never will understand it, and he feels so threatened that he has to use violence.".

"Mom, I never did ANYTHING to him".

"Yes, I know dear. I’ve heard nothing but good reports about you from school. But from now on, you just need to be on your guard at school. The good news is that they’re behind you."

"I suppose so, but its scary." I said.

"Well, you haven’t had any problems like this up until now. The kids have been pretty good haven’t they?"

"Yes, including Cindy, Sarah, and Brenda." I replied. "They’ve been so good to me".

"Well, you just continue to be with them. Let’s hope this is just an isolated incident and everything goes smoothly from here."

She paused and then looked at me.

"Honey, I have a question".

"Sure mom"

"How do you feel about being a girl, considering what has happened? Every girl worries about this. The potential for attack, rape even, is always there. Its always about some guy with a power problem. He wants to control you. This is one of the dark sides to being female, honey. You know you could avoid all this by going back to being a boy."

I looked at her.

"A boy?" I said.

"Yes, if you’re too scared about all this, you could just say the word and we could undo all of this. Your development isn’t that far that we couldn’t just stop all of this."

I looked at her in shock.

"No mom" I said as I shook my head emphatically. "Mom, I’ve wanted this for too long. No… even with this….no…. I still want to be a girl."

"The good, bad, everything?" she said, pressing me.

"Yes mom, I’d do it all over again".

We hugged. Tomorrow was another day.

 

Chapter 14 – Talking with the doctor

This is Mrs. Jolly again… I have to make an entry

Yesterday, my daughter was threatened, and almost attacked. I was horrified at the thought. I needed to talk to someone with some experience, so I called Dr. Lane. I made an appointment to go see her.

"So…. Mrs. Jolly, your daughter was threatened." she said.

"Yes, it was traumatic for her."

"I imagine so. What is it that you wanted to talk about?" she asked?

"Well, after we talked, I asked Kathy one question. I asked her if she’d like to stop this. I told her that she could undo it all right now since she wasn’t that far along."

"And what did she reply?" asked the doctor?

"She said she’d take the good, bad, and everything. Even this. And she’d do it all over again."

The doctor paused.

"Well, this is one of those red-flags I was talking about. This really shows how serious Kathy is about doing what she’s doing. This shows that this is the right path for her to take. It was good thinking on your part to ask her that question. You really got a glimpse of how badly she needs to be a female".

"I can see that. I’m getting used to the idea that what I really have on my hands is a daughter… that something happened to her and she was deprived".

"If Kathy gave you that kind of response, then I agree, that’s exactly what you have. A person that should have been a girl. Are you ok with that? Can you accept that?"

"Well, I never rejected her before, but more and more, I see this is the path that my child, my daughter, must take.".

The doctor shook her head. We exchanged a few pleasantries, then I left.

A daughter. My daughter. I knew my son was no longer, and, was she really ever my son in the first place?

END OF ENTRY

Kathy will be writing once again.

 

Chapter 15 – Trouble on the horizon

Another five months had passed, and everything had settled down and was going fairly well. I had three very supportive friends, and most of the kids at school were warming up to me. Cindy, Sarah, and Brenda had been my lifelines, and I was glad I knew them.

If that wasn’t good enough, I had also finally made first chair in the violin section in our Honors orchestra. It had been a lot of work, no question about that. But mom had been right. Nothing comes without a little work, and sacrifice. I had worked hard, and I was getting to be the best player in the violin section. And, at least to the other kids in the orchestra, it helped them accept and respect me. And I could use all the help I could get with fitting in.

It was finally Saturday again, and the phone was ringing.

"Hi Kathy" Sarah said. "We’re going to the mall again. Want to come?"

By this time it was a no-brainer on whether to go shopping. I asked my mother.

"I don’t see why not" she said. "But tell them this afternoon about 2, and tell them there’s a good reason, and they won’t be disappointed if they wait. And tell them to wear something casual, but a little dressy."

I relayed the message.

"This sounds serious, Kathy", Sarah said. "What’s up?"

‘I don’t know, mom won’t tell me".

"Well, if its going to be good, we’re interested. I’ll tell Brenda and Cindy and we’ll see you at your place at 2".

I made arrangements and got off the phone to go upstairs to get ready to go.

"Kathy" my mom said.

"Yes mom?"

"You’ve been Kathy now in public for about five months, and you’ve made good progress. But today

I want to step things up a bit."

"Step it up?"

"Yes, your hair has grown out, and its time you stopped just wearing it in a ponytail. I think its time that you get it cut and styled as a girl should have her hair. I’ve not really said anything to this point because I wanted to let it grow, but now it’s definitely long enough. So today I made an appointment at the salon for you to get your hair styled and cut. It’s time you looked like the rest of us women."

"Like a woman…." I repeated.

"That’s right".

Is that all?" I asked.

 

"No. Another thing is that all this time you’ve been wearing slacks and sweaters. Its been the winter months, so I haven’t said much about it. But now its getting close to June, warming up, and there’s no reason why you can’t wear a skirt out in public. I bought you those skirts for a reason you know. You’ve been wearing them around here, and that’s good. But you’re a young woman, and I want you to get dressed up a little and go out in public in a skirt today. Also, you’ve been wearing mostly sweaters or sweatshirts … again because its cold. Now that its warning up, I want you to wear a regular top. As a matter of fact, I want you to start wearing skirts and tops to school also before the year is over."

I looked at her. I wasn’t really surprised, well maybe a little. By this time I had been dressing as a girl, and was getting used to it. This however, was pushing the envelope further than I had ever done before.

"It’s just something I need to do, isn’t it mom? All girls wear skirts".

"Yes dear. I see I’m getting through to you".

"It’s what I wanted from the beginning, mom, you’re right. If I’m going to be the girl I’m becoming, I DO NEED to learn to wear a skirt in public. I’ll go get changed, but maybe you could help me."

I started to leave the room, but she stopped me.

"Kathy, there’s one other thing."

I stopped and turned towards her.

"Yes?" I said. By this time, I was ready for anything.

"If you’re going to wear a skirt in public, you need to shave your legs. I’ll come up and help you. We’ll get it done, get you dressed, go to the salon, and when those girls see you this afternoon, they will certainly be surprised. "

Shaving was certainly an experience. I liked what I saw when I was done. After I was done, I went into her bedroom wearing my panties and bra. She looked at me for a few seconds.

"What mom?" I asked.

"Nothing dear".

With that, I put on top with some pretty colors, and she helped me put on a casual navy skirt.

"Uh-huh" she said.

"What’s Uh-huh?" I asked

"Look in the mirror" she replied.

I took one look in the mirror, and immediately saw it. First, the skirt didn’t offer any resistance to my male body part. When I was wearing pants, they helped to pull things in. My male part had definitely been affected by the hormones, but in a skirt it was a different story…. Second of all, I could see I had grown some more in the chest. It was undeniable.

"Kathy, you’re just going to have to wear a pad today. No doubt about that one."

She went and got me a maxi. This time I didn’t have any problem putting it in my panties. After I got my clothes fixed, we looked again.

"Well, what do you think, young lady?" she said.

"Wow mom, I look a LOT better, don’t I?"

"Turn to the side and look" she said.

I did, and the effect was much better. Then I noticed something I hadn’t noticed before.

"Mom, I’m getting a butt!!".

"You most certainly are Kathy, the hormones are doing their work. That butt gives us a distinctive shape, but its also a problem area. See how your skirt is starting to fall off your behind? Its one thing that makes us look different than men."

"I like it, but that’s not the only thing, mom. Look at my chest".

"Yes you’ve grown some more, and that’s another reason why I wanted you to wear a skirt and top today.

It would seem that you’ve got some of my genes, and that nature is working its charms. I was a fast developer also, and well you can look at my chest and see where I ended up, a full D cup. It looks like those websites we looked at earlier were right. The daughter follows the mother in her genetics, just like normal females, and that’s what you’re doing. I’d say you’re getting close to a B cup, dear. There’s no hiding this anymore. You need to let people see you are a girl. I saw this coming and I’ve already bought you some new bras."

I changed, then put everything else back on. Things had been a little tight, and the new bra felt a lot better.

"Well that top certainly doesn’t hide anything, does it?" she commented.

"It sure doesn’t. Mom you can see my bra too, through the top."

"Kathy, that’s just the way the clothes are made. That’s the way its supposed to look."

"And its ok? I mean you can see it."

"Honey, you don’t have to be self-conscious about this. This is the way a young woman is supposed to look. And if guys are going to stare at your bra, well, maybe they need to be going through what you’re doing."

We both laughed.

"Well you can certainly see I have breasts. There’s no doubt. Mom, my friends have never seen me in an outfit like this. They’ve never seen me expose myself like this before. What will they think?"

"They’re girls, dear. They know what a girl that is developing looks like. But I bet they will be surprised. Now, we need to be going to the salon. Your appointment is in an hour."

We finished getting ready, and went to the salon. It took an hour to get to the operator… I guess hair salons are like doctors offices. You make an appointment and then expect to wait. The woman that cut my hair asked my mom what she wanted done, and mom told her to cut it and style it in a wedge. I sat there and watched as she did her craft, and when she was done, I looked in the mirror.

It was amazing. The hairstyle looked …. feminine…. well that was the point. I had my earrings on… but something looked different.

I sat there looking at it, not quite knowing what to think. I couldn’t figure out what was so different.

"How do you like it Kathy?" my mom asked.

"I like it mom, it feels nice. But there’s something else, I can’t quite put my finger on it."

"What do you mean?"

"There’s something else about how I look, I just don’t look the same."

"Come on Kathy, I’ll pay and we’ll talk about it on the way home."

Mom paid the woman and we left. We got home, and she had me come in her room and stand in front of the mirror.

"Kathy, I noticed the changes you mentioned before this. That’s one of the reasons why I wanted to get your hair styled. I thought it was time you got to see the whole picture. You see, just the hair, or just the makeup, well alone, the changes are not that dramatic. But, put them all together, the hairstyle, makeup, the changes in your face, your new chest, well you see the TOTAL effect."

She was right. It was the hairstyle that now framed my face, the makeup, my changing skin, the fact that my face fundamentally DID look different, my chest. All these things put together just brought everything out all at once. It was amazing.

"What is it, mom?"

"You’re getting pretty Kathy. It’s still not obvious, I mean not REALLY obvious, but I can see where this is going to lead, and I think you’re going to turn into a very pretty young woman when you’re done."

I hugged her.

"Now, aren’t your friends coming to meet you here to go to the mall?"

"Yes mom".

I paused, turning to look at myself in the mirror

"They’ll be surprised, won’t they?"

"I imagine so, dear." she said with a laugh.

It was only a short time later that Cindy, Sarah, and Brenda got to our house.

"Holy cow, girl, you have boobs!!" Brenda squealed. "You told us you were wearing a bra, and getting your boobs, but wow, this is the first time you can actually SEE them!".

"Yeah, and look at your hair" said Cindy.

"You’ve been busy this winter. We didn’t realize how much you had changed." continued Cindy. "We knew you had gotten earrings, and started dressing like a girl, but wow…".

She paused.

"Well, you really ARE becoming a girl, just like us. Congratulations!! Your mom was right, you WERE worth waiting for today. You look great."

"You really think so?" I asked.

They stood there, and their mouths dropped open.

"Say that again Kathy!" Sarah said.

"Say what?" I said.

"Holy cow, girl, you even SOUND more like a girl. Wow, you are on your way. If you keep going like this, well, who knows what you’re going to look like in a year?"

"I sound more like a girl?"

"You sure do." said Sarah.

"Well, I have been taking voice lessons to help me."

"Well I guess its been kicking in, you sound more like one of us… doesn’t she?" she said to Brenda and Cindy. They all agreed.

I squealed along with them in glee, and it was time to leave. My mom told me before I left that it was about time I bought some clothes for myself, and to have my friends help me pick out an extra skirt for my wardrobe. I wasn’t sure how this day could go much better.

We got to the mall, and this time I didn’t get as many looks as I had before. The outfit and the hair must have done the trick, and people didn’t react when I spoke so much. I guessed all the hard work was paying off.

We got to a store, and I saw a cute navy skirt with an anchor on it, and a matching top.. kind of like a sailors outfit…. they were popular this year. I tried it on.

"That’s cute, Kathy, its you", they all agreed.

I paid for the outfit, then told the other girls I wanted to go outside, just to sit on the bench and take up the sun. I had noticed since starting my treatment that I appreciated the sun just a bit more.

"That’s fine, Kathy, we’ll be out in a few minutes. Then we can wait for your mom to come pick us up."

Outside I sat on the bench. It was nice. There wasn’t anybody around.

Before Cindy, Sarah, and Brenda could come out, the door opened up, and out came Bob Miller, and his two friends. The same goon we had encountered at school. I didn’t pay any attention, but he and his friends saw me.

"Hey guys, look who we have here?! The faggot little boy that wants to be turned into a girl!!".

"Yeah faggot boy" one of his cronies came in. "Do you like wearing a skirt????"

"Hey guys, look, it even has tits, and…. its even wearing a bra!!! Do you like having tits, faggot boy?"

"Get out of here, you jerk", I yelled.

"Hey guys, he wants to dress and act like a girl, but he doesn’t like being TREATED like a girl."

"Yeah girl, would you like to see what I have for you? I bet you’d like it, wouldn’t you faggot?"

I looked around… the place was empty… this was the side of the mall that people usually DIDN’T park in. Too far to walk. We were still alone. I tried to run, but he was too fast for me. He knocked me down.

"Not so fast, faggot boy, or girl, or it, or whatever you are."

He grabbed me by the arm and put his hand over my mouth. I was struggling again. I hadn’t been that strong to begin with, and the hormones had been doing their work, making me even less so. I had been happy how they had started to diminish my strength, but there was a downside… I was vulnerable.

"I told you I’d get even faggot. Looks like this my chance. Hey, lets take the faggot "it" and show him how we like her".

There was still no signs of anyone anywhere. I tried to scream, but his hands over my mouth prevented it. I wondered where my friends were, probably still in the checkout. I wanted to get away, but he was strong, and his two friends grabbed me too. I struggled, but they dragged me to an alcove.

"Let’s have some fun with this fag".

I was where nobody could see me now, and they had me down. I was struggling, but they were all 200 or so. I was about 150, and it was a futile struggle.

Then I heard a knife come out. I knew I was in deep trouble. It didn’t matter what I had to do, I knew I had to get away at any cost.

"Hey fellas" the big bully said, "let’s see if she bleeds like other girls".

I wasn’t about to wait and find out, and I bit hard on the hand that was over my mouth. I heard a yell. They were startled and I started running, but not before I heard something tear. It was my skirt. The blade

of the knife had found my skirt, and torn it completely. I grabbed it and ran for my life. It was falling off and I was pretty much down to my panties, screaming for my life, my modesty torn away.

By that time, my friends had come out and had been wondering where I was, when I came running back towards them.

 

"Holy Shit!" said Sarah. "What happened to you?"

I just ran to them crying. I was standing there in front of them in practically just my panties. By that time, others had heard the commotion and were coming out to see what was happening.

"Let’s get her out of here. She’s upset. Grab her bag" said Cindy. "Sarah, you wait here for her mom. We’ll help her get cleaned up. We can talk about this later."

They took me into the girls bathroom, and let me cry. Luckily, I had bought that skirt. They helped me into it.

"Gosh guys, I never expected to be in here with you …. like this. I’m so…….".

"Vulnerable?" Brenda said.

"Yes, I’m exposing everything to you here. I’m down to my panties!"

"Well so what? We know what panties look like for heavens sake. And it’s not like we’re wanting to gawk at you or anything. Kathy, we’re your friends, and you’ve been hurt, and we’re here for you. And anyway, we’ve seen how much of a girl you want to be. I mean, you’re developing just like us. We can tell you’re really serious about becoming a complete girl, I mean in every way, right?"

"Of course I am, or I wouldn’t be doing all of this".

"Well, then it doesn’t matter what you look like right now. Our moms told us what you were having to do, and well, if you can show this much courage and determination, it just doesn’t matter. You’ll be one of us soon enough."

We hugged and we both had a good cry, then left the restroom. My mother and Sarah was waiting for us as we walked out the door. The police were there too.

I ran to my mother. "It was that Bob Miller creep again mom".

"Let’s talk to the police." she said.

We gave the police a statement, then left before any media could show up. It wasn’t too long after that that we heard that Bob Miller had been taken to juvenile hall .. where he DESERVED to be.

 

Chapter 16 – The pool party

It was turning August, and school was right around the corner. We still had about a month to go. It had been seven months since I had started my transformation, publicly anyway. The total time on the hormones was about 19 months, and my body was undeniably becoming more and more female. It was difficult to hide things. The hormones, my mothers genes, were all in full force. I even looked more feminine in my face.

"Kathy" my mom yelled to me one evening.

"Yes mom?" I replied.

"I just got a call from Cindy’s mom, and she wanted to know if we’d like to go to a pool party at their house Saturday afternoon. Cindy, Sarah, and Brenda will be there."

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